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As I have said in the past, when Kela asked me to be a contributor on this blog, I promised nothing but honesty. Over the past several days, since hearing the news of the death of our blended family friend Morocco’s husband, I have been doing a lot of soul searching just as I am sure many of you are. Thinking about the choices I make and how they affect or have the possibility of affecting my blended family, I have even been doing some serious thinking about my own husband and how just the little things I may or may not do can affect him.
Over the years I’ve come to realize that we have to live with our choices and if we are “smart” or “seasoned” enough (which I am not always) to learn from them, then we are way ahead of the game. As I have stated, I too, have lost a husband in the past — the father of my 3 sons. I made mistakes in that relationship that I’ve regretted every day since the day he died. My husband’s death was the hardest thing I have ever had to trudge my way through, and the pain is something that I can sit here and honestly tell you readers that I can think about and still feel the exact pain in my heart that I felt on day one of that journey. But, the question I have been asking myself today is — Have I completely and totally learned from that experience? Do I always treat my husband the way he deserves to be treated? I have asked myself a lot of those questions over the past several days. I don’t have to relate this experience to just my life partner, but to my whole blended family. Do I always make the right choices in how I am dealing with my blended family? If I wake up tomorrow and God forbid there be something dire in the cards for one of us, have I done all I can within myself to show my appreciation and love or did I just take them for granted? Did I do the best I can to make that irritation or attitude I may have felt with my husband’s ex-wife after they’ve had an argument better? Have I always made my step-daughter feel equal? I can positively say that I believe that I am on the right track, but I know that I still make mistakes that I don’t need to be making after everything that I have learned in my life.
This is one of the reasons that I try so hard to be an intermediary between my husband and his ex-wife when they have disagreements or problems. In the back of my mind I am always thinking — what if — what if something were to happen to one of them and they said those harsh things — -I have been there. I have walked that path and it’s not an easy one so I try to get my husband to see things through a mother’s eyes so that he might have a better insight to how his ex-wife may feel and when talking with her, I try to do the same. I have made some of those same choices that she may be getting ready to make and living them as well. If we make a conscientious effort, we can choose to learn from our pasts in order for our blended families to be strong, thrive and stay together.
During the past several days, I have been also been thinking about Morocco’s husband’s ex-wife in prison. Will the death of her ex-husband and children’s father possibly make her turn over a new leaf? Will she learn from her choices or will she continue to live them? Will she realize her mistakes and CHOOSE to make better choices in the future? -I will pray that she will.
We all know that nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing. Nothing works without hard work and appreciation. Nothing. No relationship, no job, no blended family.
Tonight, I think, I will hug my husband and my children a little tighter and a little longer.
God Bless,
Diane
2 comments
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November 29, 2008 at 4:41 pm
blendingin
Great post, Diane. I have also tried really hard to learn from my present situation. My journey affords many opportunities for me to check myself; which is something that I do on a regular basis. I try to make sure that my mind is always open and my heart is always understanding. With that said, I am still human and can only take so much. God is definitely not done with me, yet. But, I am so blessed and grateful that he has placed certain people and situations (be it positive or negative) in my life that has allowed me to grow as an individual. Like I’ve stated in a previous post, I can’t control what someone else does, but I can always try to learn from it. As such, certain negativity that I’ve experienced in my blended family has allowed me to be mindful of the choices that I make when it comes to my ex, my son and his current wife. Thanks for being so honest. I always appreciate your insight!!
November 30, 2008 at 4:47 am
familyblend
One other thing that I have found to be helpful within my own blended family is to keep in mind that it is ALWAYS easier from the outside looking in to understand a situation and to maybe see it a little clearer than from the inside looking out. We cannot control the actions of others and we cannot make anyone want to work towards resolution, even if it is for the betterment of our individual family, but we can just continue to take what we have, continue to try to work on ourselves and hope and pray that our example will be followed. It is always unfortunate that the children invovled have to suffer but I believe that God never stops working on those who are giving their best efforts! I continue to check myself everyday and learning from my past mistakes, I can honestly say, has been one of the reasons I am a different person in my current marriage and with my husband’s ex-wife. Life is entirely too short (as we have seen many times in our lives) for all the DRAMA! Whether it is our own drama or someone else’s. Life is too short!