What the children want you to know about relationships with their fathers

A relationship between a father and child is just as important as a relationship between mother and child after the divorce. It’s no secret that relationships with fathers and children seemingly deteriorate post-divorce. After speaking with many fathers and witnessing my own husband’s anguish as a result of seeing his relationship diminish between him and his son; I now know that there are definitely two sides to every story, and every divorced dad is not irresponsible or disinterested. There are many obstacles that a father can and often does face when trying to maintain a positive relationship with his child. The constant conflict about child support, an ex-wife’s anger and/or parental alienation, maternal bias in court and much more, sometimes makes it impossible for fathers to maintain healthy relationships with their children. Through it all, once again, the individuals who suffer the most are the children. As such, they have something to say about their relationships with their fathers.

The results were taken from that same study in the last ‘what children want you to know’ article (read it to gain clarity). When both adult and minor children, of all ages, were asked about their relationships with their fathers, they had the following to say.

Remarriage

Some felt as if their relationships with their fathers had deteriorated since the divorce and were unequivocally upset about it. Blame came in all variations; from the divorce itself, to a remarriage, to the father, to a stepmother to new stepsiblings.  Often times children feel as if they are being replaced when their father remarries. Therefore, it is essential that fathers are allowed to continue to foster their relationship with their children post-divorce. It is equally imperative that fathers continue to put forth the effort to do so.  When a divorced dad remarries, jealously is to be expected. If it’s expected, then it won’t catch you off guard and you can deal with it before it gets out of hand. It is essential that you make your bio-children feel like they are apart of the family, as well as make them feel as if they are still important and special to you. If your bio-children don’t live with you, be sure to maintain regular contact with them. Call them regularly, send a little gift (it doesn’t have to be expensive, it can be a card) to remind me that you’re still there for them and that you love them. Sometimes, bio-children need some alone time as well. I know firsthand how difficult it can be to achieve this when there are step-children involved. A father must consider how sensitive the situation is for ALL of the children involved. However, an easy solution is to spend time alone with your bio-children when your step-children are visiting their bio-parent or extended family. At one point in my own blended family, my husband, sons and I sat down and scheduled date nights that consisted of alone time with both of our children and each other. Our children were happy to be apart of the arrangement, knew what to expect and therefore, didn’t feel the least bit slighted when each got their alone time. Children often times just want to be included (when possible) in on the decision making process that undoubtedly affects them in some way.

Another group actually blamed their fathers for the deteroriation in their relationship after the divorce. This group of older children reported that financial and lifestyle changes often dictated their decision to erase their fathers from their lives. Most went from houses to apartments, had to help take care of siblings because their moms had to work extra jobs to make ends meet and often witnessed their mothers’ anguish about finances. All while their remarried dad was living it up with the new family. They couldn’t understand why step-mom got to sport designer bags and clothing, live in elaborate homes and drive the finest cars, but they (his children) had to worry about money to sign up for cheerleading, basketball or other extra curricular activities. Or why their mom couldn’t afford shoes or clothing. HIS wife and their children weren’t suffering, so why should they have to? It just didn’t make sense to them, and as a result, they just wrote their fathers off altogether.

Fathers pay your child support! Just as much as your children deserve relationships with both parents, they also deserve to be financially supported by both parents as well. It is okay if you choose to get remarried, have more children and/or even father someone else’s, but don’t forget about those that you left behind. As a matter of fact, they should never be left behind; they are your children! Your children should always feel as if they can count on you, in every sense of the word.

Some of the group blamed their mothers for the change in their relationships with their fathers; claiming that their mothers’ words and fathers’ actions never seemed to add up. Their mothers would tell them or imply that their fathers’ didn’t care about them anymore, but their fathers were calling them every night (if they weren’t allowed to see them, for whatever reason), telling them how much he loved and missed them. When this group of children were allowed, usually via court intervention, to have relationships with their fathers, they quickly realized that the person that their mothers’ described was not that person at all. Most of this group was able to reconnect with their fathers when their mothers’ interaction was no longer necessary.

Some of the group members’ relationships got better after the divorce. This is the portion of the group that was allowed to maintain regular, equal contact with their fathers; spending two days a week and every other weekend with dad. I must also note that the parents of this group cooperated to co-parent their children effectively.  Even when mom, dad or both remarried, the childrens’ relationships with either parent seemed to go unscathed. These children often viewed their step-parents and step or half siblings as an added bonus rather than a threat.

Limited Contact Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Losing the Relationship

There were some children who could not see their fathers as regularly as they wanted to. Often times this was due to distance; either mom or dad moving away due to a job or remarriage. However, a portion of these children didn’t feel any less connected to their fathers as a result. These children were apart of their dad’s life, had unlimited access to their fathers and felt completely loved by their fathers. Their fathers made it perfectly clear that they were interested in their lives and wanted their children to be apart of their lives. They called them consistently and inquired about school grades and activities. This group managed to have close relationships with their dads despite the distance.  As a result, it isn’t always true that fathers who have limited contact with their children will totally lose their relationships.

In conclusion, maintaining a relationship with dad post-divorce calls for cooperation on both mom and dad’s part. Mothers should never prevent their children from having a relationship with their father due to their own issues. In the longrun, it only creates more issues for the children. Mothers are in a position to either help facilitate contact or make it very very difficult. It’s unfortunate that most choose the latter because these children all agreed that consistent contact is beneficial in maintaining that emotional bond that they long for with their fathers. And fathers should never give up on maintaining relationships with their children because it gets a little difficult. Although you may have to modify your relationship with your children; it doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to develop meaningful relationships with them just because they don’t reside with you full-time, or as much as you’d like.  Make good use of email, cell phones, online photos and even webcams to communicate consistently with your children. Your relationships with them and your children will be better as a result.

The Second Wife’s Perspective

It is so hard to put into words what I felt when I read J’s entry below because I feel the same way and more. Although, I know that many of you reading this blog  might think “Wow, that is too good to be true…..they must be making this up.” But, we’re not. I have often heard from co-workers and even other friends of mine that my relationship with my husband’s ex-wife is odd, peculiar, too close for comfort and even weird. That how could I be best friends with my husband’s ex-wife. Some of you may be thinking the same way. My answer to all of these is this…. Why shouldn’t we? I think other people are the weird, peculiar and odd ones to NOT have a good relationship with their current husband’s ex, especially when there are children involved. I believe that a lot of mothers and step-mothers have insecurity problems and that is the root to a lot of broken marriages and failed friendships. For those of you who try hard to establish good relationships with your husband’s ex’s or current wife with no good return, then that is the other person’s loss, for sure, but keep trying. No good deed goes unnoticed in the eyes of God.

In our case, I couldn’t be more proud of the relationship that J and I have. Before my husband and I married, we all decided to be on one accord – one family. As we often say, “We don’t do steppers in our family.”  The most important person between the four of us is our daughter. She is the most caring, loving, kind-hearted little girl that I have ever met, and all of those qualities are a reflection of her mother. She is the exact same way. Our daughter has 2 little sisters by way of her mother’s current marriage. Those girls are my girls too, and I don’t care what people say. If you don’t get anything out of our story, get this….CHILDREN LIVE WHAT THEY LEARN. I believe we are teaching and bringing them up the way God would want us to. We are showing them that just because divorce has been one part of their lives; it doesn’t have to ruin their lives or their relationships with their parents and step-parents. Step-parents don’t have to be the enemy and our daughter doesn’t have to be pulled between us or feel guilty for loving all of us. I know that I am not her mother. I know that I would never ever try to fill those shoes. But, I also know that I am what God wants me to be in her life, and I will be there for her as a standing rock to which she can depend on, no matter what. I will always do what is best for her. I believe if mothers and step-mothers will allow themselves to open up and know these things about one another, they too can have what we have. Of course, there are those few crackpots out there that shouldn’t have children or be around children and those we cannot change, only pray for.

I have three boys. Two of which are over 18 and one who is 9. When I was pregnant with my nine year old, I lost my children’s biological father/my husband in a motorcycle accident. God led me to move away to a new city to start my life anew. I met my current husband when my little boy was 8 months old. We didn’t marry until he was 5.  Although my son knows that his biological father lives in Heaven, he has only known my current husband to be daddy. My step-daughter is only 14 months older than my little boy so they are very close. I used to worry in the beginning that she would feel like my son gets her daddy all the time and she doesn’t. My worries were for nothing. She shares her daddy with an open heart and open arms. She is so unselfish. She is the big sister that my little boy needed. She watches out for him just as she does her own little sisters at home. She is a brilliant young lady and God has DIVINELY blessed me by putting her in my life.

I came from a broken home. My parents were selfish at times for whatever reasons, i.e., my dad was young and my mom was bitter. They divorced when I was 6 years old.  I will never forget my father seeing us off at the airport in Alaska because my mom was taking us to live with my grandparents in Atlanta, and he was crying while waving goodbye.  My dad later married a lady named Carol and she was a horrible step-mother. She emotionally battered me from the time summer started until the day it ended. It may not have seemed that bad to my Dad but, his mind was clouded. To a 10 year old, however, it was more than bad, it was horrific!  Needless to say, the last time I saw her was thankfully that summer when I was ten.  She only thought about herself and not the children she was affecting. She would say bad things about my mother, she was abusive and she made it clear that my father was her husband and now her childrens’ step-father.  We were just visitors and she made sure we knew it.  She caused a lot of the kind of drama that I see happening all the time in my adult life with my other friends who are divorced, and some of you readers have experienced the same.  THANK THE LORD IN HEAVEN, my dad divorced her but unfortunately, my mom alienated us from my dad after that, and I didn’t see him again until I was in the 8th grade. However, in my mother’s defense, she was doing that with the premise that she was protecting us and always did the best job she could.  So, I can relate to a lot of issues that children of divorced parents go through.  A shining light, however, is that my dad married a wonderful woman years later, named Dean, and I now have a step-mother that I cherish.  She is a strong woman and has taught me a lot about being a step-mother.  She is a quiet teacher.  She let us come to her on our own terms and didn’t force herself on us.  That was a great lesson and one that I implement with my step-daughter.  I vowed that if I ever had a step-child, I would NEVER become that kind of person like Carol.  I never want my step-daughter to ever feel about me the way I felt about Carol.

You know, I guess my final words would be that I hope our story has inspired some of you moms and step-moms, dads and step-dads to do your best to try to make your children’s lives better instead of more complicated. It’s all about RESPECT. I respect my step-daughter’s mother and her husband. I respect my husband. I respect MYSELF and by all of us having respect for one another, it makes life for all of us less confusing and teaches our children humility.  Most importantly, if our children ever become step-parents one day they will have a great example to go by.

I am not saying that our family’s road map doesn’t have bumps and bruises along the way. We aren’t perfect. There are times when we disagree, but work really hard to see each others’ point of view.

I guess I also would say try not to judge so harshly if you are a step-mother or a current wife of a man who has an ex-wife or baby’s mama. Try to put yourself in her shoes and see through her eyes. How would you want your children treated, if you were in the same situation? How would you want to be treated? If you are an ex-wife of a man who is remarried and you two share a child together, don’t automatically think that the new wife has to be the enemy. She will be the one taking care of your children when you aren’t around. How you see her in your eyes means more than you think it does. She can really end up being an ally, a comrade to you. She may even end up being your best friend……Be blessed.

Blended Family Soap Opera is growing!

Hello Readers,

Blended Family Soap Opera (BFSO) has added two new cast members! An ex-wife and second wife, who are…get this…actually best friends!!! I am so excited to have them on board as I believe that they will offer a perspective on the blended family that is so refreshing. They’ve had years of blended family experience and have managed to work out the kinks enough to develop solid friendships within their family unit. How wonderful is that? Check out our About Us page to learn more about these two. As always, thanks for reading and your comments and questions are always so greatly appreciated.

Dialogue Promotes Change

I am one who firmly believes that dialogue, positive or negative, promotes change. If I want to resolve an issue, then it is important, to me, to find out what’s on that other person’s mind. I want to know why he or she has made the decisions that they’ve made. I want to know how that other person is feeling. I want to know how we can try to understand each other to resolve our issues. It may not lead to achieving consensus, but it certainly can shed some light on what that other person is thinking.

I recently had the opportunity to put my theory (dialogue promotes change) to the test. I posted my Wives War article on my Charly Magazine blog (www.thecharlymag.wordpress.com) and it gave me the opportunity to have a conversation with an ex-wife. She wasn’t too happy about the content of that article. She felt as if it gave ex-wives a bad name and she let me know. What started off as a tongue lashing between her (representing the ex-wives) and I (representing the second wives) ended up as what I’ll call a “change experience.” She began to listen to me and I to her and it sparked a bit of understanding on both of our parts. It also raised many questions that I hadn’t even thought of. 

 I posted some of our conversation below. As you read these very real thoughts and opinions regarding blended families, try to figure out who you might identify with. Perhaps you understand both of our positions.

A conversation between an ex and a second wife!

Amy Says:
August 11, 2008 at 2:56 pm e

I always enjoy reading perspectives, but I hate the bouncing back and forth of control. It seems we can find a justification for our actions around ever corner and it changes with every new perspective. Come on, I am all for step-parents, but when it comes down to it and the decisions need to be made….Step-up or step-aside! I am a pretty open minded woman, I divorced my husband, NOT my kids. She married my husband, NOT my kids. Kids are an extra bonus, but they are not and never will be her children. IF she is lucky and treats them with respect and kindness, they will love her and she will be a welcome adult in their life, but that is it.

WE all have to work out something that works so the kids can have the best chance at growing up well adjusted, but that does not mean that the ex-wive should just step aside and let step-mom take over or that step-moms should be treated with kid gloves. We are adults here. I keep hearing how we, as Bio parents, made the choice to divorce so we should just take responsibility for our choice, well ya know what, step-parents CHOSE to marry a man with children and all the mayhem that comes with hit. Child like or not, it is reality. I am the mom, I was here before, during, and I will be here after, I am not going away, and if you want life to be okay then WE need to work things out, not just ME or YOU… WE. If she wants to be included, fine and great, but it is a voice, NOT the final say. If she wants to argue her point well then get ready for a brawl. STEP. Step-up or step-aside

Amy

blendingin Says:
August 11, 2008 at 7:19 pm e

Hi Amy,

While I completely respect your opinion as it is something that I have heard before from ex-wives, I must say that I don’t totally agree. It seems to me that you are assuming that (like most other ex-wives that I know) that stepmothers are trying to replace you when this is not the case at all. I wish that more of you would stop viewing us as some sort of threat instead of viewing us as an added bonus. No matter what you choose to think; we are the ones taking care of YOUR children when they are in OUR home. By default, this makes us automatically included in most decisions. Not to mention that we are married to your ex-husbands!! Don’t you expect your husband to include you in all of the decisions that either affect your household or will affect you?? Well, it is no different with stepmoms and second wives. We don’t expect you to step aside, believe me, we know that we are going to have to deal with you for the rest of our lives. It is a decision that we made prior to marrying our wonderful husbands. I just wish those dealings could be a little more pleasant. Just like you aren’t going anywhere, we aren’t either!! Just like we better get used to you, you better get used to us! Do you see how it works both ways??

And for you to say that YOUR children will never be her children is unfortunate; because you are automatically cheating your children out of the love that us step parents can give. We are just as much their parental figures as you are. Visit http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com and read some of my posts that were submitted by step children! These children think of their step parents as PARENTS and nothing less. Please don’t cheat your children out this opportunity because of something that you may be feeling. YOU MUST SEPARATE THE TWO! Often times when we try to speak for our children, we turn out to be totally wrong. Allow them to speak for themselves!

We are fully aware that you divorced your husband and not your children. But, when you make that decision, you must know that there is an enormous possibility that your ex will remarry; when he does, you must make room for someone else. She is his wife and expects that same out of him that you did when you were married to him. Just try to put yourself in her shoes. If you are really interested in EVERYBODY WORKING TOGETHER, then the first step is to rid yourself of this childlike mentality that keeps you believing that everything is about you – it’s not! It is and should continually be about the children. It’s disheartening to always hear ex-wives talk about how it’s all about the children, yet all of your complaints regarding second wives are about how they make YOU, NOT YOUR CHILDREN, feel!

Final thought – most of us have stepped up. We make a choice to love and care for your children. Instead of continually trying to degrade us, try actually working with the step mom in your life so that you can raise healthy, well-adjusted children.

Amy Says:
August 12, 2008 at 1:17 am e

Our son loves his step-mom, I would never ever get in the way of that. I just get sick of hearing it one way or the other. It has got to be BOTH, not mom or step-mom alone. To be honest in my case after seeing dad move 2 or 3 woman in and out of his home, it was a GOD send when this last woman decided to stay. It takes time though to realize that it is forever. In our case it had a lot more to do with DADs immaturity that poor step-mom just happen to walk in to a volitile relationship. I don’t even know if it was her “choice” Dad didn’t even know her on and off for a year while dating other woman and got her pregnant and moved her in within 3 weeks and married her a month later. Sorry if I don’t see that as permenant! It is going to take time.

I guess I look at it as any TEAM. If I were the Starter and go to person on the team and some freshman popped in all cocky and started trying to push her weight around and exert her authority, I would have a problem. now if this freshman came in and quietly introduced herself and then performed well for the team, I would have little problem, as it is for the bettermeant of the team, but I’ll be damned if I would just role over for some kid that is all talk.

Each situation is different. In ours it started out rough, but through MY patience and understanding of her position, things are calming down. I was put down like you wouldn’t believe, by both my ExH and her; for absolutely no reason other than wanting to know who this woman was who was moved into our son’s life. Our son was crying to come home all the time, how the hell was I supposed to know she was okay, and then she started in on me. Oh I was furious!

Like I said with the annalogy, if she had come in with an air of cooperation and allowed time to take it’s course I would have been fine, I was thrilled a the thought of the line of women in and out ending! But she pushed herself in and I did not respect that! Believe me, i would rather have a woman in that houselhold! At least I have some peace of mind!

So before you go generalizing about my thoughts, please Know my situation. I just sat through two wonderful performances of our child, with MY parents… where were Dad and Stepmom?

And as far as how our child feels, he is a happy go lucky well adjusted kid. He loves his dad and I have encouraged his relationships with both dad and step-mom and his new little brother and will continue to do so.

I work with her as much as she will allow me to. She is included in everything. Just because I state an opion does not mean I do not do what is right. Talk is talk. Doing what is right is a whole other story. I walk the walk every day.

So don’t get on some high horse acting like all ex-wives are the evil vilans and you might want to switch the name son your own post, as if it were from me, and rethink who is childish. I think I could agree we both are, but I am definiately not alone here.

Amy

blendingin Says:
August 12, 2008 at 1:58 am e

Hi Amy,

I certainly didn’t mean to generalize, but I when it comes situations such as this (blended family) it kind of becomes personal. Like you don’t know mine, I don’t know your situation. I can only go off of personal experience. In my experience, I was and am continually beat down as a second wife and step mom. My husband and I have known each other since I was 14 years old. We dated for nearly 3 years prior to getting married, and we’ve been married for 4 years. In my case, it certainly wasn’t a sudden marriage that caught her by surprise. But like you mentioned in your first comment, she automatically thougth that I was trying to replace or even nix her altogether. I was just trying to convey to you that this often times isn’t the case with step moms. The days of the “evil stepmother” have withered away. Just because we desire and deserve to build a relationship with our husbands and children (including stepchildren) that are independent of you, doesn’t mean that we don’t recognize your presence and position in all of our lives.

Let me also say that I am also an ex (I have a child with someone who I spent 6 years with), so I completely understand (to a certain extent) the position of some ex-wives. It’s painful because you have to view apart of your child’s life from a distance. You have to allow him to have his time with the other side of his family, without you. It’s difficult because you are used to and always thought that you’d share every thing and every moment with this child; but not you have to let go a little earlier than you thought. And you have to trust these other people with your child. I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE HOW HARD THIS CAN BE! But, it is something that must be done. When I realized this, stepped back and allowed my son to develop a relationship with his stepmother, I was overjoyed with the outcome. I would never tell her that he will never be HER child, especially if she’s willing to take that position in his life. I nearly cried when he came home for the first time, professing his love for his new mom. I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew he was okay over there. I didn’t accuse her of trying to take my place.

Having said all that, Amy, I completely understand where you’re coming from, too. Mainly because my situation with my ex and his new wife didn’t start off that way. Like your ex, he only knew her for a short time (3 months) before they got pregnant and married! My son also called crying to come home on several occasions and I went to pick my baby up – EVERY TIME! Like you, the new wife and my ex tried to accuse me of probably the same thing that they accused you of. But it didn’t matter because my main objective was protecting my son, and at the time, I didn’t feel like it was their main objective. Needless to say, we didn’t start working together as parents until I felt that they both had his best interest at heart, and not before. I felt as if this was my responsibility as his parent.

And so, I am not on some high horse at all, Amy. I don’t think I am being or have been childish at all. My article is a reaction based on my experience. This is MY personal testimony (just as your story is yours). If it doesn’t apply to you, then so be it. But like me, I know plenty of step mothers who can relate to my testimony.

I’m glad that your child is happy and well-adjusted, and I hope that you continue to put your feelings (no matter how justified) aside in order to work with your exH and his wife.

Amy Says:
August 12, 2008 at 1:44 pm e

okay, so you are not child like at all I apologize for my rant. Thank you for sharing your story.

I do want to let you know, that I am also trying hard to change the role of blended families… where and when it is safe to do so.

Do you think that the whole mom/step-mom debate takes responsibility away from dad? Sometimes it seems as if it is all about mom and step-mom and we end up raising the child, while dad kicks back and watches.

Honestly I think my own beef with “step-mom” comes from the father’s rights and shared parenting initiatives. As much as I agree all parents being involved can be a wonderful thing, I have seen a lot of hurt come from these initiatives. Almost the reverse. It seems like we are turning the tables… It seems that right now, there is little about the benefit of moms, but here is so much literature on how important dads and step-partents are in the kids lives.

I am just wondering if I am alone in seeing the trend. It always seems like the best way to change things is through action, by simply being a good mom/dad/step-parent/etc and giving each realtionship time.

I believe in empowerment as long as it is not power over. I don’t believe anyone has an advantage on parenting, but I do belive that a child has the right to have a permanent schedule that will not have to be taken back in to court every other year to change. If it is working, why change it?

Anyway, thanks for the responses, I have a lot to think about.

Amy

blendingin Says:
August 12, 2008 at 2:38 pm e

You know what, Amy, I completely agree with you. Little emphasis is placed on what dad needs to be doing; which is why I try my best to draw attention to these issues as well through my personal blog – http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com. I am on both sides of the fence, and believe me, I have PLENTY of issues with my ex and his approach to parenting.

I’m not so sure I agree, however, that giving each relationship time works – it hasn’t for me. I have been with my husband for 7 years and his ex is still bitter about something. When I initially came into this relationship, I tried to take a backseat, but it was hard to do so. Especially since I was the primary caregiver for HER (continually reminds me of this) child when he was in my home. My husband was at work all of the time. When I took a back seat, I was seen as being cold and insensitive. But, when I tried to take a more active role, I was trying to replace her – I couldn’t win and still can’t. She only wants my husband to be involved with her and her son, but I am his wife; and I am not going anywhere. I am more than just an adult figure in her child’s life. I AM THE ONE WHO TAKES CARE OF HIM WHEN HE’S WITH US. I feed him; I am chaffeur; I am nurse; I am a confidant; I tuck him in when he’s sick. Overall, I am the same mother to him that I am to my biological child. Give respect where respect is due. I am not trying to take over. I am simply running my household.

By that same token, as an ex, I know that I have certain rights as my child’s mother. As I stated in my previous comment, it is my responsibility to be involved (to a certain extent) in my son’s life, even when he is with his bio dad. However, I still continue to try and remain mindful and understanding of my son’s stepmom’s position, too.

It truly is a difficult situation, but I think the first step towards change is open, honest dialogue. It is so important to avoid assumptions and really try to understand where the other person (ex wife, second wife, divorced dad and children) is coming from.

Thanks so much, Amy, for sharing your thoughts, opinions and story with me. It has been nice chatting with you. Let’s keep this dialogue going – DIALOGUE PROMOTES CHANGE!!

Kela

“Mediation is no Place to Deal with Hurt Feelings.”

 

 

I recently asked an attorney and fellow blogger, to shed some light (from an attorney’s perspective) on the topic of mediation. I’m sure you’ll find it insightful!

 

 

What is Mediation?

 

Mediation is the process by which two (or more) parties attempt to settle a legal dispute with the assistance of a neutral third party (mediator) whose job is to help the parties work out points of agreement and reach a “fair” result that they both can live with. More and more, mediation has become the preferred means of legal dispute resolution, and has become particularly popular in resolving domestic relations disputes (divorce, child custody, visitation, etc.) because it frees up courtroom dockets and tends to produce results that are more agreeable to the parties. In fact, most judges will now order men and women to participate in mediation before he/she will hear and decide issues in dispute in a divorce or child support/custody situation.

 

Mediation Process

For anyone who has never had the joy of going through a mediation, this is basically how the process works.  The parties agree (or a judge orders them) to meet with a mediator.  Mediators are specially trained individuals (often former practicing lawyers and judges) who are familiar with the law, but whose job is guide the parties toward agreement.  Mediators are paid by the hour, and usually the parties split the cost of the mediator (but are still responsible for their respective attorneys’ fees).  There is usually a three room set up; one room for all parties and their respective counsel to initially meet together, and then two rooms where the parties will stay in for the duration of the mediation.  After the initial meeting of the parties and “opening statements” where the parties state their issues and positions, each party goes to their respective rooms.  The mediator meets with each party in turn, discussing the demands of the parties, the strengths and weaknesses of their respective positions, and ultimately tries to get the parties to reach a middle ground.  The key principal that the mediator is working from, and attempts to get the parties to realize, is their BATNA — Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement.  Basically, the BATNA is what is most likely to happen if the parties are unable to reach a settlement, and typically is a worse outcome than one that the parties arrive at on their own.

 

Why Mediation?

So why mediation instead of just letting a judge make a decision?  The truth of the matter is that judges don’t like making decisions for people. But that seems like their job, right? Yes and no. Yes, judges can make decisions by applying the letter of the law, but it’s preferable that the parties reach an agreement/settlement on their own and the judge merely approves such an agreement. The reason for this is that strict application of the law often times leads to a situation where you are splitting the baby. This is even more so the case where domestic legal disputes are involved because often times, the parties aren’t just fighting over who gets the kids on what holidays or what school the child should go to….. the issues are much deeper, more intangible, less rational, and a judge just does not have the time to deal with all of those issues.  Mediators, on the other hand, are trained to deal with these issues, particularly family law mediators.   In fact, family law mediators are required to go through special training in addition to the regular mediation certification course so that they know how to deal with the unique issues that arise in family law disputes. 

Does it Work?

 

So does mediation actually work?  Yes and no.  In theory, both parties will be rational participants and the mediator will assist them in sorting through the emotional baggage to help them determine what the real issues are in the situation….. separate the wheat from the chaff.   Ideally both parties will compromise so that the result is a win-win situation.  Anyone who has been through a divorce or dispute with child custody/support knows, however, that this is the last place to look for rational people.  Because reaching a decision in a mediation is entirely voluntary (contrasted with arbitration, where the arbitrator does have the power to make a binding decision) a party can continue to drag his/her feet, be difficult, and basically stick to his/her agenda of making the other person’s life as difficult as possible.   In the non-family law setting, the primary consideration is money, so the avoidance of litigation costs serves as effective leverage.  When there are feelings involved, however, creating excessive costs of litigation may be a motivating factor.  Rationality goes out the window, and with that the potential efficiency and benefits of mediation.

Keep in Mind…..

 

One key principle that parents and ex-spouses should keep in mind is that the legal system is not the place to deal with hurt feelings.  The purpose of the legal system, including the mediation process, is to provide resolution to true legal disputes, not to avenge wrongdoing, seek validation, or keep the other party in a person’s life (as dysfunctional as that involvement is).  Mediation has the potential to produce positive results, but both parties must have the desire to compromise and come to an amicable conclusion in order for it to work.  It is somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy– if the parties believe it’s not going to work, then it’s not, and vice versa.