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BFSO is consulting the Advisory Board once again. This time we need to help a reader figure out what she should do. Below is her scenario and my response. We know the best advice comes from those who are living or have lived it. Please respond with open minds and sincere hearts.
Reader’s Question:
I’m a Mom and my ex-husband (in which we’re both remarried) have 50/50 custody. However, we live in different towns and my kids go to school in his hometown.
My problem is that my exes new wife is my children’s primary caregiver. She is currently housesitting for her mother, in which her and my children are staying there, but my ex husband is staying at their house. This is strange to me because my exes wife’s mothers home is in the same town as my exes home. My ex said that he’s getting a lot of work done while they’re gone.
I work from home and want my kids to live with me and go to school in my home town. My ex will not give them up. he says that their home is there and that their school is there. Although I agree that stability in the same school is important, my kids aren’t being taken care of by him. They’re being taken care of by their stepmom. (who is very nice by the way).
Should I take this to court since obviously my ex isn’t the one primarily taking care of them and I have the circumstances and great desire to have them with me?
What’s your thought?
My Response:
Hi Jakki! Thanks so much for stopping by.
I am sorry that you’re in this position. It’s tough when you’re really trying to make decisions based on what’s best for your children. I am sure that your decision to allow your children to remain in your ex’s hometown was based on just that [doing what's best for them]. However, being cared for, primarily, whenever possible, by both of their biological parents is equally important. My questions to you would be: 1) How many days of the week do you get to see them as you stated that you share custody? 2) How many times a week does your ex actually have them since his wife is caring for them outside of their home? 3) Is there a reason why your children live with your ex in the first place?
All of those questions would definitely influence whether or not I would take my ex to court. But, just from the information you’ve provided above, if my children weren’t being primarily cared for by me or my ex, then something would definitely have to change. While I’m sure that your ex’s wife is a great person (after all, she’s caring for your children), I don’t think it’s fair to you, to her or to your children to have her primarily care for them; especially when neither you, nor your husband share a residence with them.
Here are a couple of options to consider:
1. Take your ex to court for physical custody as it’s almost impossible to have joint physical custody when you both reside in different hometowns. I’m not sure how old your children are, but they will adjust to a new school. If one is a senior in high school, then it might be best to allow him to finish out the year in his current school. Other than that, kids move all of the time, and they adjust.
2. You mentioned that you worked from home, so how possible would it be for you to move to the town where your children reside? This way, they could live with you, stay in their school, but still have unlimited access to their father.
I hope I’ve helped in some way, Jakki. I’ll repost this scenario so that readers will have a chance to respond as well.
Grace and Peace,
*Kela*
blendingin
familyblend
motherof3girls
46 comments
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September 5, 2008 at 2:18 am
Anesidora
First off, LOVE the new layout!
I hope that one day I can get to that point…. not saying I need to be best buddies with my ex’s new woman, but at least be able to be civil. I tried something along those lines a few weeks ago……I conversed with the woman for about 20 minutes in the concession line when I was getting her and my daughter some water at a HS football game, and then I went and sat near them because my daughter wanted to sit with them and I didn’t want to sit all alone. However, my ex said it made him “uncomfortable” having both me and her there. I know that the problem is that he still loves he (this is NOT an assumption…. he says this all the time and even still slips up and calls me “baby” sometimes, and told me he would NOT be comfortable being around someone I was dating) and I agree….. there can be no peace until those feelings are gone. I admittedly find myself lashing out towards her (not to her, but in convos with the ex) because I feel like I’m constantly being attacked with bitterness and hatefulness from my ex….. she’s an extension of him in a way.
I definitely agree, though…. the more love and support in your and your children’s lives, the better. Life is all about love. I’m glad you’re not letting traditional notions of how exes should interact interfere with that.
September 5, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Morocco
I would love to have this type of relationship with my husband’s exwife, but sadly, she does not want this. Very inspirational post.
September 5, 2008 at 6:25 pm
motherof3girls
It seems like you are doing all the right things. Do you have any clue how many women would never attempt a conversation with their ex’s new girlfriend/wife? Let alone sit with them at an event! I applaud you for putting your daughter first!
It seems as though your ex is the one making things between all parties more difficult. It is always hard to see your ex with someone new at first BUT it does get easier and it does get better with time. You have to give yourself time. If he is still telling you he has feelings for you, of course you are going to have a soft spot for him because of your history. That is only natural. If you have both decided that as a couple you just don’t work, then there really needs to be closure for all of you. Especially for your daughter. It is hard to think that maybe your parents will get back together because all children want that at some point. You just don’t want her to get her hopes up when there really isn’t anything there. You need to have that conversation so you all can move FORWARD instead of back and forth. Children thrive on consistency!
Also, I know this may be hard to think about BUT, try to put yourself in your ex’s new girlfriend’s/wife’s shoes for one second. He isn’t telling her that he still has feelings for you so she is oblivious to the whole thing. In that respect he is being unfair to her as well. She a piece of the puzzle too no matter how long they have been together.
Again, you are doing the right thing by working the best you can for your situation AND for putting your daughter first!
September 5, 2008 at 6:29 pm
motherof3girls
Morocco–You have no idea how nice that is to hear. Nothing is perfect but we all do what we can to make our lives and the lives of our children better. Know that you are definitely taking the “high road” by trying to make it work. My mother always tells me to this day if someone is really against you and they just are very resistent to your views “kill them with kindness”. It sounds trival and it is easier said than done. Especially if someone has hurt you. Sometimes you may have to resolve yourself to the fact that she just may have her own insecurities about you. It is unfortunate but it is true. So, don’t take it hard on yourself. You are trying.
Keep up the good work. It won’t go unnoticed!
September 5, 2008 at 7:22 pm
familyblend
Morocco, as a second wife like you, I want you to know that like “motherof3girls” says above, “kill her with kindness.” Don’t ever let the ex’s negativity get the best of you. Don’t be angry with her, but every now and then still try to let her know that the door to your friendship is open and if she would like to step in, she is always welcome. I know that your patience will be tested, but like she said above, no good deed goes unnoticed!!! It’s inspirational to know there are women out there like motherof3girls, you and me who want and are open to these relationships not just for our children but for our peace of mind and for our well-being. It is so important to have good girlfriends!!!
September 5, 2008 at 7:41 pm
blendingin
As a second wife, I have tried, over and over again…no scratch that, I’ve gone above and beyond to try and get my husband’s ex to work with me instead of against me. But, some people just choose to be bitter and wallow in their own insecurities and issues. I totally agree with killing them with kindness, but not to the point where it hurts your immediate family unit. I can take pretty much anything, but when her tactics started affecting and were even aimed directly at my child, then I had to put a stop to it. More importantly, I was spending more time on trying to fix our (me and the ex-wife) relationship than I was on my own marriage. As a matter of fact, both my husband and I were spending wayyyy too much time on trying to get her to come around, then we were on each other – not good. Your marriage should be your first priority! We were overly accomodating even to the point when it was seldom in the best interest of my son. She wanted and wants to pretend like my son doesn’t exist, and as long as I was pretending with her, we were okay.
At any rate, like I’ve mentioned in several of my articles, relationships between the ex and second wife can be formed, but only if they both share a common goal and that is ALL of the children involved – not just your biological child/ren. Like Morocco, I wish I could have a civil relationship, it doesn’t even have to like Di and J’s, but at least one that isn’t completely volatile, with my husband’s ex-wife. But, it’s been almost 8 years, and I’m just not sure when or if it will ever happen.
September 5, 2008 at 7:57 pm
familyblend
You’re completely right, I totally agree that your marriage is the first priority, and most importantly, I, like you, would never allow someone to discredit or act like my child or children didn’t exist. I guess I have taken advantage that me and my husband’s ex-wife are so similar in how we parent and our views on how our children are to be raised, that these issues don’t exist for us. It certainly takes 2 people who agree and who want these relationships to work and if that fine line is drawn and that other person is absolutely not going to try and is doing things to hurt you and your family then it’s not worth it. In my opinion, all you can do is pray that God will heal her heart. I guarantee you though that one day she will look back at all these antics and regret these things because her child will only be young for so long and he will one day be able to form his own young adult opinions of not just you, his dad, his step-dad, but of his mother as well. What he sees now will shape his opinions. Children are smarter than we parents sometimes give them credit for. They take everything in like a sponge and they listen more than we think they do. My hope is that it happens for you and others.
September 7, 2008 at 1:56 am
Morocco
Ladies~
Thank you all for the encouragement! I really need it right now. I try my very best to kill her with kindness. I truly do want to be civil because it is utterly exhausting and totally unneccessary to keep feuding. But she is really determined to keep the animosity going.
It is ackward for us, as she is in prison and I am the one who escorts the children on visits. Prior to her incarceration she hated my great ardor and spent a lot of time terrorizing me personally. After being jailed it took her 8 months to start communicating with me. She wrote one letter in which I replied to. After that letter it took her another four months to write again. I viewed this (her incarceration) as an opportunity for us to get to know each other and to do away with the false perceptions, hurt feelings, and misunderstanding that we had with one another. In my eyes I viewed it as a chance for us to be “CoMamas.” I also wanted the boys to see us working together and getting along. I know it would have taken a lot of stress and pressure off of their backs.
However, she has been very resistant. She picks at every little thing that we do with the kids. Blendingin, I can relate to the stepwife in your life ignoring your son. My husband’s ex is the same way with our son. It is very hurtful.
I am really at a crossroads right now. I am frustrated and admittedly bitter. I have gone above and beyond for her to have my good deeds rejected.
My husband and I have a solid relationship and I think that this bothers her as well.
It bothers me that she wants to continue to pretend that she is the only “light” in the boys lives. She always tells them that Her+Them=Family–so where does that leave us? It was only after I began to take the children to visit her that she even acknowledged that I was their stepmom.
I know that she is insecure and feels intimidated by me, but I have done everything in my power to let make her feel comfortable. I try praying for her again.
If you ladies ever have the time, please feel free to visit our blog. You may access it by clicking on “Morocco.” There you will be able to read more of my times as a stepmom and second wife.
September 8, 2008 at 8:15 pm
familyblend
Morocco, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. If the mother is in prison, then she should be grateful for what you are doing for her children but you have to remember that she is probably hearing lots of crazy things from other prisoners in there. On the other hand, I think you have done way more than you can and you should just stop writing her and trying to communicate with her unless she initiates. Sometimes you just can’t change the way someone feels about you. You just have to let her be. She is jealous. Just like motherof3girls mentioned in her earlier post. When there is jealousy then most likely there is ill-will and hard feelings even when it’s unwarranted and it’s unfair. I admire you for being a real woman and stepping up for your stepson’s and taking them to see their mother and being there for them when they so badly need a mother. And, remember, it doesn’t matter what she tells them (i.e., that she is the only “light” in their lives) because children remember who are there for them and they know that it is you. Just don’t get frustrated by her. She is miserable and misery loves company!! Be blessed!
September 9, 2008 at 2:26 pm
motherof3girls
blendingin-I hadn’t had the chance to respond to your post and I wanted to make sure I did. There does come a point in your life when you have to realize that no matter how hard you try, you can’t please everyone! Even though I have a different relationship with my daughter’s step-mom that doesn’t mean that everyone will be lucky enough to have that outcome. It is unfortunate but some people just don’t want to try to make anything work because of their pride or ego. I feel that is what is going on in your situation. I lived most of my life trying to be a people pleaser because my mom was and she raised me. As I’ve gotten older I have come into my own and I now know that I can’t save the world as I had hoped. BUT I can be a part of the positive solution to save the world. We all can’t do it alone. We need to do it together. So you don’t have the support and friendship of your step-son’s mother–oh well! I know you have a wonderful husband and other family members and friends who are a positive influence on your life, your son’s life, and your step-son’s life. I know it is easier said than done (I say that a lot because it is true) but we need to stay in a postive frame of mind and things will turn around. Postive thoughts lead to postive outcomes and that is what you are putting out there for your family. That is all you can do and that is enough!!!!
September 9, 2008 at 11:00 pm
serendipitous8
Kudos!!!! That is fabulous that you both can get along so well.
My situation is not the same, actually mine is more like everyone elses LOL I personally do not have any feelings for my ex. I knew that when I left him my son would have a stepmother some day and my ex would move on to someone else and I was fine with that since I didn’t want him with me. Never once have I tried to mess with their relationship or come between them. Never once have I suggested we get back together. Although they have been married for a while and have a child together I don’t think he is over me. And in return she has become obsessed with me ~ both of them have gone to great lengths to always know what I am doing and what is going on in my life (as far as pretending to be different people and being “friends” with me and hubby and having ex’s cousin befriend me in the best interest of my son to get the goods on me through email).
I think that if they were to decide to finally get on with their life together then things might be different. I have told her on many occasions that he his all hers, if she wants to think about it in a winning or losing way then she has won. She is the one that has his last name and she it the one that he comes home to but that just isn’t good enough for her.
For my son I wouldn’t mind being civil to them but FRIENDS is taking is a little far. Especially since before she was my son’s stepmom, she was still never someone I would want to be friends with.
I do recognize her contributions to my son’s life and in the ways that we are similar – so I can understand where she is coming from in some instances but others I don’t get it. I don’t like to bring these custody issues to my marriage, we, hubby and I, do not like to talk about them very much. If we do talk about them it is to keep the other one updated on something that happened and then we drop it. I don’t want to bring problems to my marriage that don’t need to be there. Unfortunately, they have not figured that out yet. Even with their new child they still put him in the middle of stuff.
I’m rambling now soooooo KUDOS again for doing something that most people can not do – myself included. I can image how much less stress there is in your life without bringing lame drama to it
September 10, 2008 at 6:47 pm
motherof3girls
serendipitous8–Thank you so much for your support. Let me start by saying this because you hit on a very crucial point in your post—my daughter’s step-mom IS someone I would be friends with if she hadn’t married my ex-husband. That is a great point you brought up. Our situation works because I like who she is as a person and not because I HAVE to put up with her. There were a couple women my ex-husband dated that I was NOT friends with and had no desire to be. My situation may be the same as yours had he married one of them. Thank goodness he came to his senses! My point is that I am not a Saint. I can’t say I do all of the right things all the time and that I just like everyone (I try to get along with most people though) all the time either. There are times that I don’t agree with her on things and there are times she doesn’t agree with me BUT that is true for any friendship and we are still two different people with different viewpoints that each of us needs to respect. I love my husband very much but he gets on my nerves too from time to time. These are normal relationships. We just happen to be more alike and agree on most things more often than not.
There is a recurring theme I am finding in a few of the posts like yours. The ex-husband/boyfriend is the one who is having trouble letting go. They realize what a good thing they lost and now it is too late. They are settling for other women but constantly compare them to their ex-wives/girlfriends. This in turn puts a strain on their current relationship and on the relationship they need to have with you because of your child. I’ve said it before but it is just not fair. We cannot control other people’s actions. We can only control how we react to situations. You are handling yourself very well from what I read. You are doing the right things too and I am sorry that your ex and his family are intruding or trying to intrude on your life. Stay positive and know you are a good person doing what is right for your son.
September 11, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Amy
It is great to hear that it can happen. In trying to find a way to understand I have inadvertantly made things worse. I am tired. With deep regret I finally agree that, unfortunate as it is for the children involved, it takes a common goal, and if both sides aren’t willing to truly listen to the other and try to understand, maybe it can’t work. It hurts. I have always said I would give a million and one chances and leave as many doors open and lights on as I can; and I still do, but I never thought they would all be closed by the other side. We all make mistakes, but we are ALL entitled to our thoughts and feelings. I wanted so much to believe that the other side would come around and understand. All along it was me that needed to come around and realize they want nothing to do with me. Thank you for giving hope, it is nice to see that there are people that truly can be objective and listen and understand that there is always another side, but in saying that, we also really need to understand that there really is another side… and understand that it is real and is not meant to hurt it is meant to be real and to seek true understanding…
Anyway, it has been a rough day here, and it is nice to read hope.
Keep it up.
Amy
September 11, 2008 at 8:50 pm
blendingin
It’s great that you are taking responsibilty for the breakdown in communication, Amy. I’m not saying that you are totally responsible, but at least you’re owning up to your inadvertent mistakes. It’s so very hard for us to check ourselves, from time to time, but it is necessary if we hope to figure out a way to make our blended families more cohesive. Now, once again, just because we are man or woman enough to take responsiblity for our actions and feelings doesn’t mean that the other party is without blame. But, at the end of the day, the only person that we can control is ourself.
You’re right, you are entitled to your feelings and so is the other side. Now, it’s just about trying to understand our feelings as well as each others. Have you ever thought about counseling for your blended family? It may help to sit down with an unbiased party to help ALL of you sort through your feelings as well as come up with some sort of solution. In order for it to work, however, all involved parties must be WILLING to and DESIRE to understand where each other is coming from in order to work towards a solution.
I’m sorry you had a rough day, Amy! But, my intuitive self is telling me that you guys will find a solution to your blended family issues. Right now, you’re just experiencing the growing pains.
September 11, 2008 at 8:52 pm
familyblend
Serendipitous8, have you ever discussed with your ex that he needs to let go of his feelings for you so that he can be complete with his current wife? If I were you, I wouldn’t have any discussions with third parties (i.e., his cousin via email), because that really does feed into his dilema which ultimately becomes your dilema too. Does your current husband feel like this is affecting your relationship with him? Eventually, it will if you don’t address it. As a second/current wife, I would be absolutely mortified if I found out that my husband was still carrying on feelings for his ex wife. And, I would imagine your current husband would feel the same way. With all of this going on, I can see why you can’t be more open to the idea of being more than just civil but on the other hand, I would nip this situation in the bud quickly so that the drama doesn’t leak over to your current relationship because if the current wife is that insecure over you and always trying to keep up with what you are doing then you never know what kind of mess she might try to pull with your current relationship. I am SO glad that my husband’s ex and I don’t have these problems. We are blessed, but maybe through these posts, we can help others to do the same. Be blessed.
September 12, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Amy
Yes I have thought about counseling many times. I offered it to the other side, but . As you said, it takes both sides. They are not ready right now, and I respect that. I will continue to work on myself and my issues, and yes like anyone else, I have many of my own issues, I am human. As a human I can only take so much before I break. When faced with unexpected situations, I react. When faced with constant negativity, I react. Sometimes those reactions are positive, and other times, not so positive, but they are real. I do understand these issues and have allowed the other side to have their feelings and respect them as their feelings. They are real. I very much appreciate other people’s perspectives and when I am wrong or out of line, I want to know about it. On these sites no one knows anyone, but we can hear and listen to varying perspectives and find validation and even support and Lord knows I have also been put in my place MANY times:) I appreciate it and learn from the words I read on these sites, but they are also not the end all be all. Each family situation is unique and different and so I also try to take evErything I read with a grain of salt, knowing their is another perspective to each situation, including my own.
Anyway, thanks for the response
September 15, 2008 at 1:28 am
Carol
Yes there can be success stories like that, I’m one of them. Okay we’re not best friends, we’re probably not even friends as such, but there is a mutal respect, I can pick the kids up if my husband can’t, we can chat about the kids, about school, about what’s happening in their lives.
I know I’m really really lucky and the kids are a testament to my husband, his ex-wife and maybe to a point me.
She even came to our wedding and wished us well and took photographs.
Everyone is unique though I grant you that, and from reading some stories I do count myself as one of the lucky ones.
September 15, 2008 at 4:56 pm
motherof3girls
That’s what I’m talking about! Kudos to you and your family. You don’t have to be BEST friends but like you said it is about mutal respect. That is so wonderful for your kids. Also, I have a hard time taking credit for things I have done. I am getting better but it’s all about confidence. So, absolutely take the credit for your situation. You are a testament for your family to others. The most conclusive evidence that your situation is working is the happiness of your children. That’s the most important part. It is also about communication and keeping those lines open no matter what. Good for you!
September 15, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Amy
Carol, allowing her at the wedding takes a lot of class and was a great way to open a door to mutual respect. I applaud you on having confidence in your relationship and yourself enough to allow her to be invited. You are truly a role model in the blended family scene:)
Having a hard time taking credit is a wonderful thing, it is associated with being humble and it can go along way in building a positive relationship between adults, for the children. I think a lot of conflict comes from not giving credit where credit is due and taking too much credit for things that many others help to create. Like anything there is a fine line between giving yourself credit and believing that you are the sole person deserving of credit for a positive relationship. The first is relationship building and the latter is a relationship breaker. find the balance.
Great to hear others are having success. What’s the secret?
Amy
September 15, 2008 at 8:15 pm
blendingin
The secret, for me, is that you first have to begin with two LIKEMINDED people. It just won’t work any other way! My ex’s wife and I are also friends. We can talk about our sons, personal issues and even the ex. She helps me to see the total picture, and she really makes an effort to understand where I am coming from as well. It didn’t start out that way, though, and I think that is the point that is being missed here. Just because Di and J are friends now doesn’t mean that they were that way from day one. It’s a process, and with any process there are growing pains, some more painful than others. By that same token, we also have to realize and ACCEPT when these types of relationships just won’t work – and that’s okay. From that point, you just need to work on being civil instead of forcing a friendship that probably wouldn’t have worked if there was no common bond (i.e. children and ex). Just keep in mind, readers, that the main goal should be getting on the same page for your children, not on being best friends. If a beautiful friendship just happens to evolve from it, then that’s an added bonus.
September 16, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Amy
I get it, it can’t be forced, no relationship can. I have always known that. But yet we try to force our children… I don’t understand that. When Dad and Step-mom can force a relationship with our son, but yet then we turn around and say we can’t force a “friendship” with them… Makes no sense, but I get it. I do ACCEPT that our relationship is not working. I am not hurt by it, but our son is and they do not see that. THAT bothers me. Anyway, it has been nice reading your posts, they are very insightful and the fact that you are willing to listen to and try to understand others positions is a real gift. Thank you for sharing.
Amy
September 16, 2008 at 1:30 pm
motherof3girls
We thank you very much for sharing a part of your life with us as well. All feelings written down can help the person writing them and the person reading them.
One thing I wanted to add is that children are so much smarter than we give them credit for. Even when we think they aren’t paying attention, they are-believe me. If something is being forced they know that. When they are young they want to make us all happy and if that is having a “forced” relationship with one side or another, they do try so hard to please. We as adults don’t have to force anything because we are adults and only answer to ourselves unlike our children have to answer to us and they want us to be happy. It is all comes down to respect for all parties involved. As they grow older they realize the truth about many things without us saying a word.
Again, thank you so much for sharing. Please know you have helped many people through your words.
September 16, 2008 at 3:47 pm
familyblend
Carol, I give you Kudos as well. That mutual respect is so important. In reading through these comments, I do have to say that J and I are very lucky to have the friendship we have. It has never had to be “forced” by any means. We have been friends from day 1 to be exact. Our circumstances are a little different than most because we both knew “of” one another a few years before meeting or even before I actually met her ex-husband and certainly before I dated or married him. J was a mutual friend of one of my friends and she knew about me through her and vice verse. I actually lived in a different state at that time. When I moved here, I met her ex-husband and after a few years started to date and eventually married him. Before marrying him (in the dating stage) I was hanging with our mutual friend at a basketball game and we saw J and I was introduced formally. She stretched out her arms and her first words were “I am so glad to know that a person like you is around my daughter.” So from there, you can see why I could not think about NOT being her friend just because she was his ex-wife.
I think some women in my position (the second wife/girlfriend, etc.) automatically think, off the top of their heads, that the ex-wife, baby mama, etc. has to be the “enemy.” This also holds true to the ex-wife, etc. Often, they think that the new wife is going to try to step in and try to take their place, etc. within their children’s lives, etc.
I believe that if in the beginning, that judgment isn’t passed right away and you give that person a chance, then maybe you might prove yourself wrong. But, there are extreme cases like some of the other’s have commented about that just don’t work. We are the exception quite clearly, but I also believe that through these discussions, maybe people can be helped or start to think of things differently. Maybe give it a try or open up dialogue and maybe soften hearts.
Di
September 16, 2008 at 6:30 pm
serendipitous8
Hi Ladies ~ I just came back to check on you girls
Familyblend ~ I’ve said stuff to him about his need to let go and focus on his current relationship but it was in the middle of our fighting emails so I think they brushed it off as I was being a bi&$h and just saying stuff. But it is always so weird to me that they need to know what I am doing or they need me present to see “their love” for each other. I think I asked my hubby about 5 questions about his ex that he dated for 2 years before we reunited. The only reason I asked why they broke up is because my mom asked me and I thought I would ask. Except for that we don’t talk about her and we don’t talk about my ex and our old relationship. It is in the past and that is where we leave it.
I have pretty much put an end to communicating with his wife since I don’t think she takes the conversations down a healthy road. The last time I said something to her was when I returned for our honeymoon, they again had a problem with the pick up and she told me “I thought that once you got married this would all end” and I was taken back because that is they way I feel about them. I have been waiting for it to end, I thought once he got a girlfriend that it would stop, then when they got married it would stop or once they had a baby it would stop. Who knew it would take me to make it stop…I stopped playing along and feeding into them more. Now we have very limited communicate and interaction with each other.
motherof3girls ~ I feel the same way about your comment that its perfectly OK to disagree about things but that you can still have a healthy relationship. That is essentially how all healthy relationships are, I have had a fight with people in my family and my hubby but at the end of the day, we agree to disagree and pick up right where we left off.
That is what is lacking in my relationship with my ex and his wife. We do good as long as we agree with eachother but as soon as there is an arguement there is a breakdown. One step forward – twenty steps back LOL We haven’t quite figured out how to get past that step.
When ex and I were dating that is how things went, we were together and everything was good and then we had a fight and broke – lather, rinse, repeat….again and again. Finally when I was pregnant I wanted better for our son, I didn’t want to put him directly through this type of relationship. I wanted him to see his parents happy and that meant we shouldn’t be together.
Hi Amy ~ I have been seeing your comments on other people’s pages and I have been where you are right now. Trying to make sense of a pretty crappy situation and wondering how did it get this bad. It totally sucks and I wish you the best of luck through this. It sure is a bumpy road with so many tearful nights. Start a blog page…it seriously helps to get your own thoughts out there and not to comments on other people’s blogs. When you do send me a link, I would like to know more about your situation
September 16, 2008 at 6:36 pm
serendipitous8
Oh ya, I forgot to comment on my current relationship. My hubby knows that I am over my ex and completely devoted to him. My hubby and I don’t like to talk about them too much in our daily life. If something comes up we will talk about it but in general it is something we don’t want to waste our time with.
It is funny cause my hubby used to hang out with my ex and his wife before we got together. Sometimes he tells me little stories of when this happened or that but it is usually something stupid. My hubby knew me before I had my son and when his family would bad mouth me he knew that what they said about me wasn’t true and what they said just didn’t sound like something I would do.
I’m lucky to be in a healthy relationship and we focus on our relationship and not what ex does or his shinanigans.
September 16, 2008 at 7:16 pm
familyblend
Serendipitous8, I am glad that you have cut off that type of communication. It’s not healthy. It’s a shame that you and his wife can’t communicate but I am sure that it is more about her than YOU. You seem to be very level headed and if she is always inquiring about what you are doing, she must be feeling a lot of insecurity because deep down, she probably can feel that her husband isn’t over you. That’s sad for her. I feel bad for her. But, you know, that’s why it’s SO important to really know the person you are marrying before you marry them. I am really happy that you and your hubby are so happy. You know, your ex could just be very jealous that your new hubby and yourself have such a good relationship and he wishes he hadn’t screwed it up. But, you know, MOVE ON is the word of advice I would give him, especially now that he is remarried and has a child. Geesh!!! Thanks for responding. I enjoy communicating. Have a great day!
September 16, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Danielle
I would like to add my perspective in relation to some of the things that have been said in the last 3 comments. First, so that everyone is on the same page here, I am the Step-mom that Amy refers to in her comments. I am here to interject thoughts so that both sides can be equally represented (in both sides I mean Amy’s side and my husband’s and my side as he and I share the same opinions, values, and beliefs) and also in hope that although we do not agree on most things we can at least come to respect and accept the decisions made in our respective households without hostility and criticism.
Blendingin, I completely agree with your statement on the secret to a ‘successful’ relationship between the parents/step-parents in a blended family is that it has to begin with 2 LIKE MINDED individuals. In my opinion, being likeminded and sharing a common bond are 2 completely different things. Broken down, this is how I see it:
-COMMON BOND: The 3 of us do have a common bond- Amy and my husband’s son. There is also my husband, but I think that Amy and I can both agree that he isn’t a ‘bond’ because the impressions we have of him are so completely different that it is almost as though we would be talking about 2 completely different people. For example (and this is just my view and interpretation): I may attempt to defend my husband’s rationale as I see and know it in the present, but because of her experiences in the past with him she comes to her own conclusions for why he does what he does and they couldn’t be further from the truth. In my opinion attempting to build any new relationship (either one between her and me or the 3 of us collaboratively) with predetermined negative notions and emotions can only spell disaster (and obviously already has). All 3 of us are guilty of this premise and it is the first of many factors that has stood in the way of attaining anyone’s opinion of an ‘ideal’ blended family. I stress “anyone’s opinion” because these ‘ideals’ are subjective and what she envisions and what we envision as an optimal blended family scenario are 2 very different things. This segues perfectly into my next perspective.
-LIKE MINDEDNESS: I know I am not telling you all anything you don’t already know when I say that everyone is different. In fact, I believe it is one of those common knowledge truths that has been so ingrained that we don’t often take the time to mindfully assess and understand just how different people can be and how the way that we choose to cope with those differences can affect potential outcomes of a given situation.
Take our’s for example. The three of us share an important common bond (my step-son) and the three of us obviously have differences (otherwise I wouldn’t be here). To be more specific, we have differing views on child rearing, personal responsibilities, boundaries, etc. etc. Inevitably, there are times where these differences must be addressed and, in my opinion, in order for there to be a successful outcome we have to either agree to disagree, compromise, or concede. ***I have found through experience that attaining any of these works best when the differences in question are few in number, not so vast in nature that they are polar opposites, and most importantly are not so strong of convictions that there is no room for persuasion or compromise***. Obviously, if the opposite of any or all of these 3 things is the case, there will be conflict (in our situation, the opposite of all 3 apply). Now throw into the mix negative predetermined notions and emotions, stubbornness, control issues, and fear and you can see exactly why the whole ‘ideal’ blended family thing isn’t working (and unfortunately short of her or us having a lobotomy, isn’t likely to work). There is no like mindedness to build a solid foundation on. Now I know you’re going to say that yes, we do have one common goal and that is to raise a happy, healthy, well adjusted child. However, most of our beliefs on how to achieve that goal are not the same. What we are having trouble getting Amy to understand is that although she and we have different approaches to the situation, one is not necessarily better than the other. She has her way of doing things and we have ours. She operates based on her values, beliefs, opinions, and experiences and we operate on ours. She doesn’t agree with most of the way we choose to handle things and we don’t agree with most of the ways she chooses to handle things. Her son acts one way around her and expresses certain things to her, and he acts another way around us and expresses different things to us. My opinion is that we really need to accept that this is our reality. You cannot change people and you cannot hold out hope that people will change and be more like you. If you hang on to and dwell on that hope, every time something happens that you don’t agree with you will wind up being disappointed, hurt, angry, and resentful all over again. I honestly don’t believe that it is going to be the differences between us that will hurt my step-son, I think it is going to be the constant battling between households about the way the other chooses to go about their parenting that will be the detriment to his well being. It causes entirely too much stress on us as parents to have to live with constant ridicule and rebuttal from one another. If he hasn’t already picked up on it he is going to soon enough and then he will start to blame himself for our collective unhappiness and stress and that is the last thing any of us wants to see happen. I think that if we the adults can just ultimately agree to disagree and concentrate on our own respective lives (so long as neither party is doing anything that can be deemed as abuse or neglect) then we will ALL be better off as a result and our son/step-son will turn out just fine knowing that his parents can be happy and free to take care of him in the ways they deem best without fearing the consequences that come with the others constant disapproval.
Thanks for listening,
Danielle
September 16, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Danielle
Sorry, it wasn’t in reference to the last 3 comments, it was more like 5 comments ago…..
September 16, 2008 at 9:02 pm
blendingin
I would like to thank both Danielle and Amy for being honest about their respective opinions and then sharing them with us. You may not believe this, but you are closer to a resolution than you think. Why? Because you both are choosing to address the issue and admit that you would like things to change. THAT’S A HUGE STEP! You are just having a tough time figuring out how to change things. I call this stage ‘the growing pains.’
Danielle, I agree with everything that you eloquently said, and now I see what the issue really is. I would first like to say that I don’t want our readers to miss the whole picture of how a blended family should operate. Let’s not live in a whimsical world where everybody agrees, never argues and holds hands singing all day. That’s just not the way the real world works – even in a “traditional” marriage and family. The truth of the matter is that both households will likely run their respective households differently. That’s okay, just as long as there is no abuse or neglect going on. One household may run a tighter ship than the other and one may be way more lenient than the other. But, one parent can not tell the other how to run his or her household. That is a matter that you just have to agree to disagree on. And, everybody is not going to agree all the time as we are all different people with different view points. But, we, as adults, can’t get stuck on those types of issues. My ex’s wife and I certainly don’t agree on everything. But at the end of the day, I respect her opinion, I respect the significant role that she plays in our son’s life and I respect her (vice versa). The whole goal of the any blended family should be communication and respect. It shouldn’t be about persuading one to adopt the others’ way of thinking, nor should it be about becoming the best of friends. It should be about respecting each others’ respective role in the child’s life and then communicating open and honestly in order to achieve a common goal; which is ultimately raising a healthy, happy, well- adjusted child.
I must also say that we should refrain from automatically shutting the other person down when they do bring an issue to you. Meaning, don’t automatically assume that that person is being judgmental or critical if they bring a concern to you. Instead, listen with an open heart and mind. If you don’t agree after that point, then talk about it. It might be an issue which you can compromise on; and it might be one that you have to agree to disagree and then move on. Either way, you have to accept and respect each others’ opinions. In doing so, one might wind up hurt or disappointed because it’s a human reaction and instinct to want our way! It’s not wrong, it’s just how we’re built. But, we must learn to deal with disappointment, of any kind, in an adult-like manner.
I don’t want to see your son end up blaming himself for YOUR unhappiness. I don’t want to see him placed in a position where he feels like he has to choose. And, from the comments that you and Amy have placed on this blog, I don’t think either of you want that either. I will leave you with this, most of the blended families issues that we face are created by adults. As such, it sometimes becomes an issue of learning to ‘check ourselves’ instead of assuming the worst or placing blame on the other party. Being both an ex and a second wife, I’ve admittedly had to do this PLENTY of times. Do me a favor: the next time you are faced with an issue, really try to assess what the issue is about. Is it more about an issue that YOU are having that you are trying to make about your child; or is it really about your child?
Once again, I am so glad that you and Amy are talking and I sincerely hope that you continue to try and work out the real issues. Most importantly, I’m glad that you chose this blog and felt safe enough to speak out. This is not about bashing anyone, it’s about communicating in an attempt to understand where the other is coming from. DIALOGUE PROMOTES CHANGE!
September 16, 2008 at 9:12 pm
familyblend
Danielle, thank you for actually opening up and blogging so that Amy can maybe get some understanding as to where you are coming from. Sometimes it’s easier to say all the things you feel in words on paper or on blog and get everything out or vent so to speak. I applaud you for being honest and open.
I want to say to both you and Amy that based on my experience as a step-mother that even though as I have said before that J and I have a great friendship and relationship, all four of us collectively don’t intercede on each other’s ways of parenting when it comes to conflict with my step-daughter. That’s not to say however that we don’t get one another’s opinions, because we have that open line of communication. But what goes on and how they parent her when she is with them accepted by us because it should be unless it is hurting her which it isn’t. And this applies to our parenting in our household as well. It all comes down to mutual respect for one another. We also seek each other’s opinions and all of our voices are heard.
You say that you, your husband and Amy are not like-minded but the mere fact that you are blogging here leads me to think that you’re open for dialogue and that maybe you and Amy can open up more and try to resolve some of the differences. Am I wrong?
If I can play devil’s advocate for a minute, you say that you and your husband don’t agree with the way that Amy chooses to handle things and vice verse. Is there any way the three of you can sit and communicate about maybe coming to a happy medium or is it just your way or the highway? I say that because in some situations that is the case. Some people have no room for discussion.
In our situation, we have made it somewhat of a rule that we don’t intercede in each other’s household and how that individual household handles their situations with my step-daughter. I know that her mother and her step-father are never going to do anything to hurt, neglect or abuse her and I know they feel the same about my husband and I. From reading yours and Amy’s comments, it seems that both sets of parents love your step-son/son and want the same things for him. If that’s the viewpoint of all parties, then maybe there is room for more dialogue.
From your blog, I get the impression though that Amy and her ex (your hubby) don’t do a lot of the communicating themselves….correct me if I am wrong, but you seem to have a lot to say which is good, but Amy and your husband are the parents of their son and they need to come to a common ground and learn to communicate with one another as parents. Don’t get me wrong, I am involved with my husband’s point of view and I do also stand up for my husband when I feel the need because it is only a natural response, but J knows that and she understands. She also knows that from her own personal experience with my husband that he is not the same man he was when he was married to her. Not by far, he has done a total 360. So, in one sense, I can’t blame Amy, but in that same sense, she needs to be more open-minded and know that people change and maybe that will then change other perspectives for the 3 of you. I hope I am getting my point across.
What I try to do is when a situation may occur, me being a mother myself, is give my husband a mother’s point of view. And, J’s husband does the same if she has a problem with my husband. He will give her a father’s point of view and you have no idea how that actually helps sometimes when there is conflict.
But, one thing that you said stands out and is true – if your beliefs are not the same and goals are not the same, then it won’t work. But, if there is any room for communication, I would tell you that you should try. Nothing bad can come from it.
Di
September 17, 2008 at 1:22 am
familyblend
Let me say that I agree with everything Blendingin says as well, but, for the record, I don’t want to make the mistake to all you readers by making it sound like our lives are like living in a “whimsical world where everybody agrees, never argues and holds hands singing all day.” But I do have to say that our blended family works and we are proud of it. With that pride, comes the urge to try to help others see that this is the way our blended family works and it can work for others if they work hard at it and are willing to put forth the effort it takes. Yes, there are times when we do have our disagreements (albeit rare) but we talk and communicate even when it’s hard to do. Communication is the key.
Blendingin is right, for most, this won’t work but for some it might and that is why it is worth it to us to put our perspective out there even if it’s not the norm or what people want to hear. It may not be traditional, we know that unfortunatley we are the exception because many people have asked me just in general conversation “why would you be friends or even care about your husband’s ex.” I think that’s the most ludicrious thing someone could say. My objective is clear. When I married my husband, I pledged to honor, respect and love him. His daughter is a part of him and a part of his daughter is her mother. That is the common bond. I am her care provider when my husband isn’t here, she knows she can depend on me, she know she is safe with me and that I want her to be happy. That is my goal. I know I don’t have to speak for my husband’s ex wife, but she also knows that I am a part of my husband and that her daughter loves me and her father. Sure, it would be really easy for me or for J to pit ourselves against eachother and bring one another down for no clear reason or if I found something I didn’t like in how she was handling her parenting of my step-daughter and then cause ruckus about it or she could be the same way and infuse a bunch of control issues being she is the primary custodial parent and not allow visitation as much as she does, etc., but that doesn’t happen because THE COMMON GOAL WE HAVE IS OUR DAUGHTER……IT’S NOT ABOUT US…….IT’S ABOUT OUR DAUGHTER. THIS IS WHY IT WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If more people focused on this one thing, they would get so much further and feel so much better.
If this situation is considered whimsical by some (talking about people in general — not Blendingin’s comments), then so be it, I say to you — jump on board! It’s a whole lot better than dealing with a bunch of drama and stress. Eventually, that drama and stress hurts no one but the child involved. We see this from a lot of the other posts. I am only saying this because in my opinion people consider this type of drama to be a reality that they just have to live with instead of putting a foot forward and trying to face the issues they have and trying to resolve them.
I am sorry if I sound so vocal, this is just such an important issue for us. We want to help as many people as we can. You’re probably thinking….what does she know…..well, I am a step-mother and I have been an ex-wife in the past and I have seen and experienced a lot of what some of the readers have experienced. I can tell you one thing for sure…..there was a time in my life where I experienced a lot of drama and stress and I absolutely love having a great blended family now and we are truly blessed and maybe one day you can have the same!!!
Be blessed!
Di
September 17, 2008 at 12:27 pm
blendingin
I agree, Di, your situation may work for SOME, but it is not a one size fits all approach; it certainly isn’t the norm and for many (including me and my husband’s ex wife) it just isn’t realistic. As such, your reality just may not be mine or someone else’s. My objective as a blended family coach is to offer ALL perspectives! I have been an ex and a second wife for nearly 8 years now. One side of my blended family works much like yours, but the other DOES NOT, and to be honest, it probably never will. And, that’s okay! I would like for us to get to a point where we can communicate effectively about our child, but I have no desire to be her best friend. It would take way too much effort and emotional energy to get through all of the bad blood first!! And, this is the way it is for many of us. In the beginning of my marriage, I was just trying to stay sane and hold on to my marriage because of all the chaos that the ex-wife was causing. Developing a friendship with his ex-wife just couldn’t be my priority at that point, unless she met me half way and she did not! But, at the end of the day, I still have my husband and we have a more than SOLID marriage and family. WE HAD TO MAKE OUR MARRIAGE A PRIORITY! We had to protect our marriage, and for many second wives that’s what it comes down to. This is why I made the statement about living in a whimsical world, because for many of us that’s what it is. It’s not a knock against you or your family. I can be proud of you and J and the family that you created, but still know that it will never be me and my husband’s ex-wife. Like I said, you have to first begin with two LIKEMINDED people. When I say likeminded, I don’t mean that we all agree on everything all of the time; I mean that both have to be reasonable and rational ADULTS. For the record, I certainly understand hurt feelings, being reluctant to a necessary change and miscommunication. But, you can’t deliberately try to sabotage my marriage; cause constant trouble all of the time and clearly dismiss my biological son and expect me to be best friends with you. Do you see how your way of operating your blended family just may not work for everybody?
And again, I would also like to make it clear to our readers that their main objective in the blended family shouldn’t be about working on being best friends with the ex-wife. It should be about communicating effectively and respectfully with each other in order to co-parent your blended family children. Once again, if a beautiful friendship emerges from that, then that’s an added bonus.
September 17, 2008 at 12:59 pm
blendingin
I’d also like to add that what I meant when I said, “let’s not live in a whimsical world where everybody agrees, never argues and holds hands singing all day,” is just that. Disagreements, arguments, and conflict is a natural part of life – EVERYBODY DOES IT! It’s how you handle those disagreements, arguments and conflict that matters, but let’s not pretend that they don’t exist.
September 17, 2008 at 3:37 pm
familyblend
I absolutely agree and just as I have said on numerous of my posts that the way my blended family works will probably NOT work for most people but I do feel that part of exploring ALL perspectives includes trying to put aside personal and sometimes childish issues between current wives and ex-wives. And, certainly, becoming or finding a best friend out of the deal is NOT my objective at all for any of you readers but resolving conflict in order to co-parent effectively without unnecessary drama, if it can be avoided. My blended family works great most of the time, but like others, from time to time has issues and disagreements but what I am trying to put across is that when something does come up, we try to find ways to communicate effectively, we are certainly not perfect and by putting our story out here, we hope to help others do the same. Certainly, NOT to help others to be best friends. That is not on our agenda because that is something that works from the heart. But maybe if someone reads one of our blogs, they too may find something there that they can use to effectively communicate and make things a little better in their co-parenting situations and like Blendingin said, if a beautiful friendship happens to emerge then that’s all the better for those involved, but if only better communication and co-parenting come out of it then it’s a WIN WIN!
My reality isn’t that I don’t realize that that bad situations occur and that other readers have had and continue to have very bad experiences but for the most part, when I am reading peoples blogs, I am seeing that a lot of the issues people are having are about the parents and not necessarily issues about the child/children. In the situation where another party is causing constant trouble in another person’s marriage, dismissing children, and trying to sabotage a current marriage, to me, that is where you just end all possibilities of trying to deal with that person on that level. In my unprofessional opinion (smile), no husband or wife should ever allow an ex to have that much POWER in their current marriage. Why would anyone want to be friends or even desire to communicate with someone as evil as that. But again, this is example is just one perspective of a blended family as well.
I love these blogs because the readers can see so many different point’s of view for example, Amy and Danielle. I think that was great for opening up dialogue and I was encouraged by them. Amy and Danielle, keep talking and keep writing, that is the first step and you are headed in the right direction.
September 17, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Amy
I don’t know what to say.
What can I do Danielle? I have made my fair share of mistakes and I am sorry for any hurt I have caused, but I am real, my thoughts and feelings are as real as your and your husbands. I do have a hard time seeing that your husband has changed, mostly because even though he has made visable changes, he does not seem to have made real changes to his personality. He has always had good qualities; I didn’t forget those. I saw them too the first years we were married, overtime though I just saw more negativity and in the end the negatives outwayed the positives. The wrongs he has committed after the marriage ended are what still linger. I know you were not a part of it then, and am quite sure you have never heard the whole story and have no desire to. I respect that, but there is another story. Fortunately or unfortunately, in your relationship with him, you have only had the opportunity to see the best of him. In our relationship you have mostly only seen the worst of me. Your view on me is greatly swayed by his view of me and our history and e-mails (of which if anyone read most of them, without knowing us, we ALL would appear to be very nasty people at times and at other times very reasonable.. they are only a small glimpse of who we are) and most are fueled by defenses, hurt, frustration, and anger.
Anway, please don’t shut me out. Our son is not my “whole life” but he is my favorite part of life and it hurts to see him torn in two.
Thank you all for your responses, voices, and opinions they are greatly valued. Thank you to Danielle for giving me a small glimpse in to the other side.
Amy
September 17, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Amy
So how do we find a way to put our own hurts aside and concentrate on the child? These feelings are there and they are real, we all get that. Sometimes, these feelings sway our judgment whether we want them to or not. Right now in our situation it really does seem to be all about the adults. I don’t want that. So how do we put our feelings on the shelf and work toward cooperation. I would say we come up with a set of guidelines for our families. Maybe even we each get two things that the other household can not do out of respect for the other family or things that we do do out of repsect for the other family. Sort of agree to concede on something that is very important to the other household. Just brain storming here.
Amy
September 17, 2008 at 6:07 pm
motherof3girls
Wow! Amy and Danielle without knowing you I am just really proud of you both for opening up like you have. As I have said and have many others it starts with communication and respect and you two definitely have both.
Amy, I have to weigh in on your last comments about your ex-husband being a different person now then when you were married.
My ex-husband and I met when I was 16 and he was 17 and we were together in high school and got married when I was 4 months pregnant with our daughter at 21 and he was 22. We wanted to be together so badly that we almost forced ourselves not see any negativity in each other because we needed each other. Especailly now that we had a baby. We were two completely different people trying to make ends meet and care for a baby and we were still young ourselves. He didin’t want to keep a job and I was always the one working and taking care of the bills, our daughter, and everything. He did change diapers and get up in the middle of the night to feed her sometimes but that’s where it ended. We ended up divorced by the time I was 22 and he was 23 our daughter was 7 months old.
The times following that were not good. He lived around the corner and never saw our daughter let alone help to pay support for her until she was 6. To see him with other women’s children that he would date was hard for me at the time because he didn’t do anything for the daughter he had. She adored her father and to see her hurt over and over and over again was not okay with me. I never kept him from her at all. He kept himself from her and then lied to his own family because he never wanted to take responsibility.
Then when our daughter was 6 Diane entered the picture for good. His entire demeanor changed and his life changed. I contribute him being a better man to her. I was too young when we were married and after to care to try and change him but I believe she has. Did he and I argue before Diane, yes constantly. Do we argue now? Yes, of course but things are different because he is a different person doing what he is supposed to do and wants to do for his daughter. So our arguments now are over dumb things like being late bringing her home, etc. Not about him not ever seeing her or not doing anything for her.
At first I asked Diane why she would want to marry him. She knew about my struggles and other issues he and I had and why would she want that. She was a better woman than me because she saw so much good in him still when my vision of him was tainted. She was right. He is now a good father who loves and adores his daughter. That is all I have ever wanted from him–to be a father to his daughter. Diane made sure his support was paid every week and that he picked her up every other weekend. Now, should she have HAD to make him do those things? No, but you have to start somewhere and he has made great strides. My own husband has even commented on that. Others can see a change in him.
I am not going to lie to anyone, in the beginning it was hard for me to let my daughter go spend the night on the weekend because she had never really been with him that long and now there is someone new in her life. I cried the entire first weekend she was gone I remember. It had been she and I together for so long that I almost didn’t like her going over to his house. I had fought him for years to step up and be a father and now he was and I was upset. I got over it. Then a few months later they decided to get family pictures taken together. Diane had a picture with Sasha by themselves and I nearly flipped my lid. I was so upset that I couldn’t even look at that picture because I felt disrespected by all of them. I just cried for days. It was so dumb now that I look back on it because she loves my daughter too and she meant nothing by it but in the beginning I didn’t know that. I had to get over myself and deal with my own issues. I had to learn too. Even though we have been friends from day one everyone in ANY relationship or friendship gets their feelings hurt at one time or another–and it is usually not on purpose!
I am sharing all of this because a few of the posts recently have made our relationship and our family out to be some fantasy that is just unattainable. We have all had our ups and downs and we are all human. Our lives are not perfect at all and we don’t claim to be. We are all happy and I am so happy to have a friend in Diane. She is the first TRUE friend in my life and I have to thank my ex-husband for finally choosing someone who is good for him, my daughter, AND for me (which I am sure he didn’t choose her for me–HA!) When something good happens to me, I call her. When something bad happens to me, I call her. I drag her to fashion shows and make-up events, shopping, and other events. We walk in the Multiple Scolrosis walk every year since her husband was diagnosed with MS. She is a true friend because she wants to be. NOT because she HAS to be. I have even told her that she doesn’t have to be my friend because of my daughter and she told me I was crazy because she would be my friend regardless.
I have a fantastic husband who I adore and could not live without. He has given me two more wonderful little girls who both happen to love Diane, her boys, and her husband. If that is strange or weird then that is fine because we are content with our family and our kids are smart, strong, confident, and independent individuals and I like to think that all 4 of us has something to do with that.
September 17, 2008 at 6:11 pm
blendingin
This is so powerful! You both have admitted to wanting things to change and now Amy is taking the next step by asking: “So how do we put our feelings on the shelf and work toward cooperation?”
I appreciate your ideas, Amy, but I still don’t think that you can determine things that their household can’t do and vice versa. That is just something that you don’t want to even start doing. What I would suggest is expressing why certain rules or guidelines for your son are important to you. From that point, you have to allow them to determine if they will adhere to those rules and guidelines. But, what you can’t do is force them to agree with your way of thinking, no matter how logical or justified you feel it is. When you do that it becomes an issue of control and no adults like to be told what to do. It is at that point that they do feel like you are just being critical and judgmental. Do you understand what I’m saying? Your intentions and heart is certainly in the right place (from what I can see), but you just have to go about it a bit differently in order to make sure that you are always respecting their position as parents in your son’s life.
So, my first suggestion is to talk about your viewpoints concerning certain rules and guidelines, and Danielle should listen without automatically assuming the worst. Danielle, from experience, I can tell you it is easy for us second wives to automatically shoot down whatever the ex-wife has to say, too. I remember a time when my husband’s ex could’ve said that Jesus was coming, but I would have automatically dismissed whatever she said just because it came from her. Let’s not do this anymore. You’ve both made mistakes. Everybody has hurt and has been hurt. We’ve acknowledged it, but let’s not dwell on it. Instead, you should move on. Now it’s time to start thinking about solutions.
Second, I would suggest WORKING ON OURSELVES INDIVIDUALLY! Some of our blended family dysfunction has more to do with how we feel instead of how our child feels. Remember, never make YOUR issues about your child or your blended family. We must all work on our issues in a way that doesn’t affect those around us, especially our children. Instead of lashing out with anger or hurtful actions; reach out and address your concerns like adults.
September 17, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Amy
MOof3: Thank you for sharing your story as well, although we all have “different” stories there is a common theme and it is wonderful when we can read others viewpoints and place them into our own unique situations.
Blendingin: I do see your point and agree, I guess I was thinking that in allowing each side to have some “perceived control” that maybe the need to actually control would disspait over time. Just brainstorming. I really have no idea where to start. Sometimes I feel like two kids arm folded in coners at opposite sides of the classroom, neither ever going to admit they were wrong and neither one willing to concede. At least in those situations they end up in tears and a few hugs later they have no idea what they were upset about and are best of friends by the end of the day. We sure could learn alot from kids!!
I also very much agree with working on oneself. I started 4 years ago and it has done wonders being able to handle the situations as they arise. Again, it is one of those things that all parties really need to invest in for it to work.
Simply awsome! Thanks.
Amy
September 17, 2008 at 8:19 pm
blendingin
You’re right, Amy, we can certainly learn a lot from kids. I loved the example that you used about how they deal with conflict. It is so true! Just remember whether it’s perceived control or just control, it should never be an issue about control in the first place. It should always be about communication and respect. If you abide by those two principles, trust me, everything else will more easily follow.
I really admire those who can admit to making mistakes and working on themselves. Although, both parties do need to invest in this concept for it to work, it still helps to understand your own feelings so that you don’t continually add to the breakdown in communication. I always say that I can’t control anybody else but me. So, if I focus on making me a better me, then maybe, just maybe, the other person (that I am in conflict with) will be more receptive to what I have to say.
Thanks for sharing your story, both Amy and Danielle. It is my sincere hope that you will work out your differences in order to be better parents for your son. Di, J and I are all rooting for ALL of you!
Kela
September 17, 2008 at 9:24 pm
serendipitous8
WOW, I am in shock that Danielle posted her story too. It is wonderful that you girls are getting it out there.
I read somewhere that just because someone does something different doesn’t mean it is wrong, it is just different. I have learned how to embrace this difference and I am happy for our son that he gets 2 different perspectives on things. Trust me it took some time but I finally got it – My ex needs to do what is best for his household without my interference and he needs to do the same for me. They do things with our son that I might not do but that is OK. AND I know they don’t agree with the stuff I do with our son. At the end of the day, our son is safe, nurtured and loved so I don’t dwell on those differences.
Amy ~ your comment about your son not being your whole life made me sad. I really hope you are not just saying that because that is what they want you to think. I’m not sure what started that comment but I’m sure it is something that has been said to you in the past.
I remember going to one of our mediation meetings, the mediator and my ex were trying to make me feel bad for being single and that our son feels bad for leaving me because when he leaves I am alone. Basically telling me that I needed to give more time to my ex so I could date?!?!? In the early years of our son’s life I had a very active social life when I didn’t have our son, but when I did have our son I was the one taking care of him. I wanted NOTHING to do with dating, I loved being single.
The truth is our son is my WHOLE life!!!! Even when I was first dating my hubby we only dated on days that I did not have our son and I never wanted our son to feel as if he was being replaced. Once our relationship progressed I wanted our son to be involved in what I & hubby were doing. I am a very active parent in our son’s life, I am his room mom, I take him to parties & I don’t leave, I am very hands on with our son.
Please don’t feel bad for about feeling like son is your whole life. There just needs to be a balance there that works for you. I still have not gotten used to the fact that our son leaves for a week with his dad sometimes during the year. By the middle of the week I am a mess and I try to keep myself busy during the week to take my mind off not seeing him. I think you can say that about anyone important to you in your life, when my hubby left to go back east for a week I missed him so much. You went from seeing your some everyday to having limit contact with him, it is hard. Give yourself a little break, even if no one else will.
In my situation I ONLY deal with my ex, not his wife and not my ex’s mom – just the ex. I know it pisses his wife off but things just seem to go downhill when she gets involved. In doing this I know that I am dealing with a man – a man that is not organized, a man that is not good at returning emails or even letting me know certain things. I am willing to deal with these issues then to deal with his wife. I know what I am getting myself into.
Danielle ~ you might need to take a back seat for a while. I don’t know if you do this or not BUT my ex’s wife always felt that she needed to tell me how she felt about me, mostly it was pretty nasty stuff that had nothing to do with the current situation or anything to do with our son.
Amy ~ this might be very hard for you at first but you have to let them parent your son the way they see fit when he is with them. You don’t want them telling you what to do with your son when he is with you – right. I have started telling my ex to stay out of my house and I will stay out of his. We do things differently; I like to think that we offset each other with our parenting. What they don’t do – I do and vice versa. It definitely makes things a lot easier on you.
You need to let go of some things that cause you so much stress – baby steps
It is all about baby steps.
This is so interesting to me that both of you are posting her. I really hope things work out for you girls!!!
September 18, 2008 at 1:55 am
familyblend
Wow, the dialogue just keeps getting better and better. I am so happy to read all of these. Serendipitous8, thank you for sticking your hand out and trying to help.
I will say that I agree with Serendipitous8 on the issue of Amy and Danielle and them agreeing to not get involved with eachother’s parenting and household decisions when the child is with them respectively. Our family does the same. We don’t involve ourselves in eachother’s respective households and our rules, etc. We have certain rules that we expect our children to follow in our household and vice versa. However, that’s not to say that might not mention how we feel about something, i.e., one time I bought a bathing suit that my step-daughter though was okay with her mother — or so she said at the time of my purchase (smile) — and she wore it to a water party/cook-out that her mother was having at her house that we were all invited too. Needlesstosay, J did NOT agree with that type of bathing suit and had told her my step-daughter that she could not have that type. So, in that type of instance, of course, all of us would agree to stand together in her mother’s decision.
I also happen to agree with Serendipitous about allowing the two parents to handle certain situations. In those instances, I know that my husband is going to discuss his feelings with me, etc. , but I do my best as a step-parent to try to stay out of (those may be the wrong words — stay out of) situations that I feel my step daughters mother and father should discuss first. I believe, her step-father has that same level of respect. Of course, we discuss issues with our spouses, but when it comes to making decisions, I think ex’s should communicate together. I just think it’s a good start for people who are having problems. I think that as step-parents, there are times that we should step-back and allow that communication to flourish and happen and that we should get involved indirectly. Sorta along the lines of what Serendipitous says about Danielle taking a back seat for a while. I don’t want Danielle to take what I am saying the wrong way. I don’t mean that you have no say or that your opinions don’t matter — because they do. But, just sorta be the back-up for your spouse and maybe even an intermediary so to speak. Then, support our spouses and the decisions they make.
Danielle, I am a step-mother as well so I don’t want to make this seem like I am non-existent in the decision-making process, etc. but I also understand from having my own children from a previous marriage that there are times when biological parents need to communicate and work together.
But, I think that this issue will be one of my new topics. I think this is something that we need to explore further.
Danielle, in your post, you mentioned that when your step-son visits he tells you and your husband one thing and then tells Amy another when he goes home. Children will always try to play one parent against the other at some point. I remember doing that to my parents. Kids tell you what they think you want to hear. All children of divorce do this from time to time. I don’t think parents and step-parents should try to recognize this and sorta ignore it if they can. Unless a child is being mistreated, abused, etc. then parents and step-parents should try not to read too much into these situations.
Just a few thoughts. Diane
September 18, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Amy
Serendip: yes, you hit the nail on the head. I have been told many times to “move on” to “get a life” outside of our son etc etc etc. The truth is a have a very full life. You are right I should not listen when people tell me that our son should not be my “whole life” The reality is he is part of every aspect of my life and is indeed the best part. He is really the center of my world. Most every thing I do revolves around his well being first and foremost. It would not have been any different if I was married. I take my role as his mom very seriously.
blendingin: I have let them run their own household. It isn’t until it effects my household that I have said anything. They know there are things I don’t agree with and there are many things they likely don’t agree with that I do. There are somethings I don’t respect, but accept and there are others that I respect, but don’t accept. The latter are the tough ones. I really try to stay out as much as humanly possible. I also know that our son tries very hard to please both myself and his father. He has always done this, I just don’t pay much attention to it. He knows it doesn’t work with me. I also am very aware though to notice the diffence in his demeaner as I don’t want to get it wrong either and miss something that is real, and yes sometimes he is not playing both sides and is really serious about what he has to say.
and yes, I also admire those that take the time to truly work on themselves. I have always believed on change from the inside out. I think when we change in this way we are less likely to revert to old thought patterns and behaviors. To me it is a much deeper form of change. Not to say it doesn’t work the other way, as it definately can, it is just different and takes a different focus. Although what I have witnessed is that changing from the outside in tends to be more vulnerable to returning to the old thoughts and behaviors. Just my thoughts and opinions.
Have a good one
Amy
September 18, 2008 at 2:41 pm
motherof3girls
Okay, my turn. This is very cathartic being able to express our feelings, concerns, and opinions and not getting judged for it. It is nice to be able to ask for help and get such wonderful responses.
In regard to parenting between the two households I have to say that this is a topic that we should explore further as Diane said. Again, our situation works and we have all kind of “fallen” into a good way of parenting together. What I mean by that is that we all didn’t sit down and say “okay, here is what I do in my house and here is what you do in your house and let’s set rules so both of our houses are exactly the same”. We just learn with each situation and we go from there.
My husband and I got married a year before my ex-husband and Diane did. My ex and I could not communicate AT ALL without arguing due to my feelings of the past and how he treated his daughter so every little discussion turned ugly. On top of that he would forget everything I told him about our daughters school functions, grades, sporting events, etc. then he just wouldn’t come because he forgot which would start ANOTHER argument. I didn’t care if he came or not, I did my part by telling him I thought. But our daughter suffered. He would ask me why I didn’t call him the day of and let him know about it and of course I would get smart and tell him that I am not his mother or his wife and he is not my responsibility my daughter is. My job was to tell him once and the rest was up to him. Well, that was a terrible attitude to have on my part and it wasn’t good for anyone. Even my husband told me I needed to give a little more to help him remember things for our daughter’s sake.
Now, when my ex first got married he asked that I talk to him about things relating to our daughter first and then he makes the decsion. I think that made him feel more like he was contributing since he had lacked a bit in the past. It made him feel more important. So, I did that and, like I stated above, he would forget everything we talked about. So, I started telling he and Diane about things like school functions, sports, etc. It seems things get done much better when she knows about them. Now, even though I respect him and his opinions, sometimes I go to Diane first because I know she will make sure he is there for important events in our daughter’s life or that our daughter gets to the places she needs to be when she is with them. This eliminated all hurt feelings and my own ego of “I am right because I told him about it” and our daughter is happy. So, I was doing the right thing by telling him BUT I did not go about it in the right way. That was something I had to correct and things run much more smoothly.
I will say that since my ex gets our daughter every Wednesday and every other weekend, he is looked at as “Mr. Fun Guy” and they can get up and go whenever they want to and buy more things, etc. Well, at home my daughter has two little sisters and it is MUCH harder for us to go on vacations and buy things she THINKS she needs or just get up and go. I did the same thing with my dad when I was little too. I loved going there because it was party time with Dad. So, I know how my daughter feels going there and then coming home to homework, responsibility, chores, and her little sisters. I am not saying that things aren’t structured over there but it is much more fun for her I am sure. This is just an example of different households. No one is doing anything wrong it is just how the two are perceived. I am sure if Diane’s son came over to our house for the weekend he may think our house was so fun because he has homework and responsibilites at his own house.
I am actually in tears laughing about the bathing suit story because I know my face was like “oh no she didn’t” when I saw my daughter in that suit. HA! BUT her Diane has all boys so she has so much fun shopping with our daughter. The suit was very cute it just wasn’t cute for a 10 year old (I secretly wished I could get in it-HA!). How would she know that though. That is a situation that no one meant harm and she just really didn’t know.
Diane and I were talking yesterday and she and I have learned soooo much more about each other through this whole blogging process. It has really helped us personally as parents, wives, and as friends.
There’s my two cents. Keep this up because it really feels like we are making HUGE strides in communication!
September 18, 2008 at 3:13 pm
familyblend
Quick note…….I actually was living through my step-daughter that day and REALLY wanted to get into that bathing suit myself as well!!!!!! I do have to say….that girl was wearing that suit well though!!! (Smile).
But, J is right about the different household issue and how this could very well apply to Amy and Danielle’s situation. Things are always different at the non-custodial parent’s home. Not to say that my step-daughter doesn’t have her individual responsibilities at our home, she most certainly does. But, she isn’t with us everyday so we try our best to save outings, i.e., going on short trips to sightsee, movies or out to dinner, small vacations, etc. when we have her with us because me and my husband want her involved in all of our direct family memories when we are making them. If we have to wait until we have her to do that, then we do but I can see where it would make our house seem like the fun house. Like J said, nothing wrong with it. So, some of what Amy and Danielle are experiencing with their son/step-son could be attributed to just the perception at each household. These issues are a little easier to work through though and it’s really about trying to balance it out.
Believe me, I am learning a lot about myself too through these blogs……Thank you to all for your comments.
September 18, 2008 at 3:37 pm
familyblend
Amy and Danielle and all the other readers out there. I thought just occured to me that I once heard someone say that really applies to your situation and the situations of many of our readers:
“There cannot be growth without the absence of some pain.”
Sometimes our situations are painful — all of us experience these situations in our lives — but we grow and we learn and we change our ways, our perspectives and our lives out of that sometimes painful learning experience.
You are headed in the right direction. Just stand firm and continue dialogue. Your children deserve it!