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I have an issue that I’d like to reach out to the BFSO Advisory Board (that’s you readers, by the way) for advice on. It’s about my ex and his relationship with our son. Most of you know, by reading the blog, that my ex is an overseas basketball player and has been since I was pregnant with our son. As such, he’s been living out of the country ever since our son was born and he’s now 11. As a result, they pretty much don’t have a meaningful relationship. My ex wants to change that and so do I, but we clash on how to do so. He is only in the states about 8 weeks, maybe a little more on occasion, out of the entire year and has been since I was pregnant. Therefore, my son has never had the opportunity to develop a meaningful bond with him. It took my son a long while before he actually wanted to go over to their house, without being forced. Over the past few years, however, it has gotten better; especially since his wife and son stay behind while he goes to Spain to play basketball. It has allowed my son to spend more time in his second home, with his second mom and little brother. Now, he loves to spend as much time with them [his second mom and brother] as he can, and I certainly don’t mind. As a matter of fact, my husband and I are both very happy that he asks to go over every weekend, holiday or whenever he has a break from school. It confirms that his second mom really makes him feel at home when he’s there. I thank God for that…what a relief! The problems occur when my ex returns for his 8 week visit. My son almost instantly withdraws and doesn’t want to go over. Last summer, he even said, “I’ll just wait until dad leaves before I go over there again.” When I asked him why he said that he just didn’t feel comfortable when his dad was there. He said that he’d like for him (his dad) to get to know him better.
Let me explain…my son is a highly intelligent, straight A student. He started booting up the computer (on his own) and playing educational games at age 18 months, putting together 100 piece puzzles before age 2 and reading, fluently, by age 3. He’s our brainiac who loves anything having to do with science. Some of our conversations are even over my head! Additionally, he’s the sweetest, most kind-hearted, compassionate, wise individual (not kid, but person) that you’d ever meet. Most people (his teachers, friends’ parents, etc) literally compare him to Ghandi. His bio-dad, on the other hand, is a jock. He’s the professional basketball player, who like most (I don’t mean to stereotype, but it’s true) are self-absorbed individuals, who think that world starts and stops around their schedule because they play basketball. Are you starting to see how the two completely clash??
With that said, I can really tell, especially since my ex is getting older and finally growing up, that he desires a more meaningful relationship with our son. But, he wants our son to do so on his terms. He thinks that by forcing him to stay the entire summer (the 8 weeks that he’s here) that their relationship will automatically improve. I told him that forcing him would potentially do more harm than good. By the time my son gets over the shock of being forced to stay in an environment that he’s not comfortable in, it’s time for the ex to skip town again, for a year, and they get to do it all over again the next summer. I explained to him that forcing him to be with him will not do any good until he decides to stay put for more than 8 weeks in the summer. Additionally, being a parent is much more than just having him in the house with you. You have to spend time with him and even do things that he wants to do at times. And, because you’ve never had an opportunity to bond, alone time is essential as well. My ex just doesn’t get it at this point. I will say, however, that I can really tell that he’s making a concerted effort to understand where I’m coming from. I’m so happy that although we don’t agree on everything or even always understand each other’s points of view, we both talk about it like adults and then attempt to work out an optimal solution. And, at the end of the day, we both really want what’s best for our son. What a blessing to have finally arrived at this point!
My question for the BFSO Advisory Board is, should I force my son to stay the 8 weeks in the summer, if he doesn’t want to? Legally, I am not obligated to do so because the judge ordered that he give 60 days notice prior to arriving in the states, which he has never done because he said that he just can’t. However, I’m always flexible with the parenting time schedule and allow my son to see his dad and/or second mom as much as he wants. My thoughts are that if dad were doing everything that he was supposed to do, we wouldn’t have to force him. I’ve told him to call regularly, not just from time to time. Use email to communicate with him on a regular basis. I even suggested a webcam for more frequent contact. But, he’s acted on none of my suggestions. Why should I be flexible and bend over backwards to achieve this goal [my son spending more time with him], and why should my son be forced to be uncomfortable, if dad can’t hold up his end of the bargain? Whether it be because he can’t or isn’t willing? What do you readers think?
blendingin
familyblend
motherof3girls
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January 6, 2009 at 10:11 pm
familyblend
Kela,
I think that your son is smarter than your ex!! ;o). He knows more about having a meaningful relationship because he has been shown that example by a good, strong mother and step-father. I think that he is old enough to tell you how he feels and you should take that highly into consideration. If your ex hasn’t acted on any of your suggestions for more frequent contact, I, personally, wouldn’t put my child in an uncomfortable situation. I would say, I would ask him to handle the situation on a more gradual basis. Maybe one week and then home two and then back for another 2 if your son feels more comfortable. But, I would first start off with insisting that your ex make more frequent contact as you suggested above.
The fact of the matter is…….children know in their hearts and minds who is constantly there for them and who isn’t. Heck, he knows his teachers better than his father if he is only here 8 weeks out of the year. Not trying to be harsh, but how can he expect your son to feel comfortable. They know how to make educated decisions when they feel and know things aren’t right. No one is to blame for the way your son feels, but your ex. It’s time he either steps up or steps back for your son’s emotional sake. It’s hard to think that way, but it’s true. If he had established his fatherly bond early on and continued it as he should have, this wouldn’t even have to be an issue. Unfortunately, it is, so the only thing that matters is your son’s best interest and to me, his emotional well being matters A LOT!! I would say, go with your gut! A mother’s instinct is usually on point!
Peace and Blessings!
Diane
January 6, 2009 at 10:28 pm
blendingin
Thanks, Di!
I have really struggled with this one because I never want to prevent my son from having a meaningful relationship with his father, especially when his father is expressing an interest in doing so. However, you’re right, you have to back those words up with action in order to make it work. Otherwise, I feel as if my son and I are bearing most, if not all, of the responsibility for bringing them closer, and it just won’t work if done this way. I explained to him that once he starts calling regularly, emailing, sending cards in the mail, etc., he will see things gradually start to change. But, he has not taken that step, yet. He claims to understand, but still has not made an effort to remedy the issue. I pray, for my son’s sake, that he begins to take a more active interest in our son’s life, soon.
Always a blessing,
~Kela
January 7, 2009 at 6:28 pm
bookworm8787
I’m not a parent but dating someone who is a parent so my perspective might be really off base. How does your ex deal with his second son and does he communicate with him while he’s overseas? If you can find out that information, maybe you can use that to your son’s advantage to help him with this situation. I suspect that he probably doesn’t make specific calls to his second son but talks to him in the process of calling home in general. Could his stepmother include him in these calls when he’s visiting their house. (I’m rereading this to make sure that I’m understanding this right; he does visit them even when the father is out of town, right?)
The guy I’m seeing has a hard time organizing things to do with his kids. He just doesn’t understand that they are teens and need advance notice and/or to bring some of their friends along. He also dismisses my ideas (like taking them to live musicals) and then his ex-wife will mention to me that they love musicals. So he’s not very aware of what they like. He’s also very afraid of being rejected which is another reason why he doesn’t push things. This past break, I basically wore him down to take his kids (and their friends) to DC for a day. They had a good time, surprise, surprise and his ex was very happy that he did this too. We have nice photos of them all together. I’m elaborating because maybe your ex just doesn’t have a clue on what to do with a pre-teen for whatever reasons.
Also, I’m sure you’ve thought of this but how about live web chats? You could even make it three-way between him, your son and his half brother if you can coordinate it right (given the time zones). It’s just a thought.
Maybe there can be some ideas to kick around to make his eight week visit more palatable. (Maybe take a friend along? It might be boring for him too.) Good luck!
January 7, 2009 at 6:46 pm
familyblend
You know, when I sit and think really hard about this, it is just so sad that some fathers and mothers for that matter, have children that need them and want productive relationships with them, but they (the absent parents) have to be urged to regularly be a consistent part of their childrens’ lives (i.e., send cards, email, call, etc.). I, as you, I know, cannot even begin to imagine what my daily life would be like without seeing my boys, hearing their voices, etc. I just don’t see why I would ever have to be urged to do that. THAT IS HIS CHILD! You are a good person Kela. You are doing the right thing for your son. As long as he sees that you are trying to have his dad in his life on a consistent basis, only his dad can be blamed for whatever relationship he has or doesn’t have with your son. The shame part is when your son is older, and obviously his dad will be much older and will be in regret mode, your son probably won’t have a thing in common at all with his father and that’s a shame. But, as I always say, some biological fathers are just sperm donors. Sorry to be blunt, but those bio dads that just walk away and don’t care to be a part of their childrens’ daily lives are nothing but sperm donors. It’s those wonderful step-fathers that step in and are there every single day, helping with homework, taking them to practice, sitting next to them in church, being their main provider and praying with them before bed are the ones that will have the credit when that child is older. Those are the things important to children. Children thrive on consistency, plain and simple.
Diane
January 7, 2009 at 6:48 pm
familyblend
Perfect example of what I am talking about is SHAQ — his biological father tried to come back into his life after his gaining success and Shaq wasn’t having it. He told him plain and simple. His step-father was his father.
January 7, 2009 at 7:26 pm
blendingin
Thanks, bookworm! Your insight definitely wasn’t way off base. As discussed in the post, I have suggested live web chats to him, but he has yet to follow through, for whatever reason. His wife is amazing and has been super instrumental on cluing him in when it comes to our son. She does coordinate live web chats, at their house, with my son, her son and my ex (my son does visit even when his father is away). I’m pretty sure he speaks with his second son regularly, simply because his wife is there and makes sure of it. However, Diane is right, I am not his wife and therefore, it isn’t my responsibility to do these things any longer. I have my own husband and family that I need to keep organized. I guess I’m just tired of basketball being his primary excuse. He’s a father and everybody else shouldn’t be the only ones making sure he has a relationship with his son. At some point it’s got to be him facilitating these things. While I have to remind my husband of visitation pickup and drop off times and other things of this nature, I don’t have to remind him to talk to his son on a regular basis. I also don’t have to urge him to get to know his son. The desire is innate; he just needs help staying organized.
At any rate, I have made several suggestions to bring them closer. I have repeatedly told him what our son’s interests are, and he may do something once and that’s it. But, parenting is ongoing. It’s not something you just do once to say that you did and that’s it.
With that said, I didn’t think about the possibility of him being afraid of being rejected by our son. He often says that he wishes he could make our son as happy as my husband and I do. The problem is, he is mistaken on how to do so. As a result, he just buys him things. I keep telling him that he’d much rather have his presence than his presents, but I don’t think he gets it. I can tell that he’s trying, but after 8 years, we have to more than try. We just have to do.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. I so greatly appreciate it.
Be Blessed,
Kela
January 8, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Mrs. H
What an interesting post and discussion!
In the early days of my stepmom life, when everything was always hard emotionally (for both my husband and I), our natural instinct was to stick to the court order. My stepsons’ mother is very manipulative, doesn’t tell the truth and expects things to revolve around her needs.
However, when I started to address how things made me feel emotionally, I started to help my husband make better decisions for the kids. These days, regardless of whether or not BM’s request is self-centered, if it is a reasonable one, we agree to it.
I think some of what you are going through is emotion-driven. It is always so hard to make our children do things that we know distresses them. But there are many times that we know that would doesn’t kill them will make them stronger—so we choke back our tears, reassure them and make them do it.
Your ex is the one who is responsible for the nature of his relationship with your son. You do not bear any part of that burden other than to ensure that time is available for that relationship and that there are no safety issues. While I really understand how hard this is for your son, he will never get this time back once he is grown. It is important for him to spend the time with his father and then let his father be responsible for what their relationship is.
Just like on the first day of school, you should put on your brave face, assure him that you love him and he can call you anytime, and send him on his way.
I’m particularly impressed with the way you encourage his relationship with his stepmom and his brother! Can I trade my BM in for you?!
January 8, 2009 at 6:29 pm
blendingin
Mrs. H,
Thanks so much for your insight! I really do hear what you’re saying. I just want his dad to be consistent because children just don’t need fathers; they need consistent fathers. I NEVER keep my son away from his father and have bent over backwards to help my ex through this. However, I can only do so much, and his wife can only do so much. Most times when my son visits in the summer he is with his second mom, not his dad. Because once again, his dad is consumed with basketball. He has to workout 4 hours a day, shoot around to improve his game, conduct a basketball camp, etc. ; which is why my son never wants to go when he’s there.
If he wants the relationship to truly improve, then he’s got to step up instead of allowing everyone else to do for him. Otherwise, I’d just be forcing my son to stay the summer to serve my ex’s ego instead of for the purpose of actually improving their relationship.
With that said, I do encourage my son to spend more time with his dad. I NEVER talk bad about him to my son. I talk to and try to work with my ex to make it better, and I’m super lenient with the visitation court order. I want my son to think of his dad, second mom and little brother just as he does my husband, his stepbrother and I. As such, I do everything I can to encourage their relationship. I just don’t think I would have to force him, if my ex stepped up as his father. We have never had to force my stepson to spend time with us. So what does that tell you??
Again, thanks so much for your insight! I truly welcome it!!
Warmly,
~Kela
January 8, 2009 at 6:32 pm
bookworm8787
I’m glad I wasn’t too offbase, Kela, in some of my comments. My BF’s best friend’s wife and I both agree that the BF is a bit “socially retarded” when it comes to planning events, doing things (with anyone honestly) and needs a big push to do things. Mind you, he’s very, very good with remembering to pick up Child A and Child B and so forth but spontaneous things are hard for him for whatever reasons.
His ex-wife is very nice but she is in charge of the kids’ schedules and plans a lot of things. Does she do this because BF is passive about asking for the kids or does she do it because she wants the control. It’s a chicken or the egg scenario as far as I can tell. (I’m not saying you’re like that but trying to explain some things.) At times he has been rejected by the kids in doing things but I’m not sure why. Was it bad timing, the ex-wife, the kids wanting to do other things or was he so tentative about it that the kids didn’t see it as an invitation exactly? I do know that when it is his weekend to have the kids, if they don’t want to come over to his house, they don’t. (They live very, very close by.) I’m not a big fan of that; I understand their reasoning: computer, phone, games, their personal wonderful bedroom is nearby. OTOH, I think it does hurt the BF’s feelings and is the cause of some of his fears of rejection. Me, I just charge ahead and say, “Let’s take the kids to this museum over the holidays” and remind him relentlessly
Could your son explain to someone what would make things better between him and his dad? Can he look at possible things to do in the summer when he is visiting (like some shows or something) that would get the two of them involved in planning something? Would having a friend come along for a week help? (We brought along ED’s BF and YD’s best friend for the trip to the museum.)
In any case, both your situation and his are what they are. I’m not excusing your ex-husband’s behavior by any means; I suspect that if he’s overseas traveling, a lot of every day life is planned by someone else and he just has to “check in” with his current wife and son. He’s probably never been responsible for planning things with either of his kids. I’m not excusing by any means. I also do have the suspicion sometimes that the situation makes it easy for the BF to not work so hard under the guise of “it wouldn’t work out anyway.”
January 8, 2009 at 6:56 pm
blendingin
Hi Bookworm,
My husband and I are in charge of our son’s schedule because we primarily raise him. With my ex being overseas for 10 months out of the year, his input (regarding scheduling) is really irrelevant. So I do have the control, but believe me, I would so greatly appreciate the ex staying put and helping to actively raise our son. I do not have control issues at all. Both my husband and I would welcome the additional help!!
Additionally, I make suggestions on a regular basis regarding the type of activities that my son would enjoy doing with his father, but he usually ends up doing them with his second mom. He has also taken friends, his cousins and even his stepbrother to his house during visitation as well. Neither my ex, nor his wife have ever been opposed to this. Once again, the problem truly isn’t that my son never wants to go over because he goes ALL OF THE TIME when his dad isn’t there. I also had to think about what Mrs. H said about my response to the situation being emotionally driven, and it really isn’t. My son is 11, therefore I’m not emotional about him being separated from me. If that were the case, he wouldn’t be spending as much time as he does (which is A LOT) when his dad isn’t here. As a matter of fact, he desires and goes so much during the year (with his second mom) that I had to tell his second mom that I wasn’t using her as a babysitter. I didn’t want her to think that I was taking advantage of the situation. She always tells me that she knows that I’m not because often times, before he leaves, he asks when he can come back over again. So again, this tells me that the issue has less, if nothing, to do with me, her or my son, but more to do with what my ex needs to do.
January 8, 2009 at 8:50 pm
serendipitous8
I have been wanting to comment since I saw this post 2 days ago – work!!!
I think your son knows what is best for him. 8 weeks yo start with is WAY to much for him. I would do a couple days at a time and slowly ease him into full weeks with his dad. Let him go at his own pace. Even after this summer and summers to come; I would suggest a couple days at first and then weeks.
No need for you to get so overwhelmed with this. You are doing a great job trying to get them to have a better relationship. I love the saying “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink”. It is so true for some parents…no matter what you do, in the end you can’t make them do what they should do. You are doing a great job!!!! Just remember that when you get sad.
January 8, 2009 at 9:56 pm
blendingin
Thanks, Serendipitous!! I agree and I think that I will really encourage my son to try a couple of days at a time to slowly ease him into spending weeks with his dad. Maybe if we do it this way, he won’t feel so overwhelmed because he knows he’ll be home in a couple of days.
I love that quote, too; “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” That’s oh so true. I just pray that one day my ex takes that drink as it is what’s best for our son.
Thanks for chiming in and feel free to do so anytime.
~Kela
January 9, 2009 at 12:13 am
serendipitous8
yep, you do need to push the kids a little but too much at one time can be overwhelming.
~hug~
January 9, 2009 at 12:14 am
Morocco
While it is true that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink, however, you can salt the oats.
January 9, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Danielle
Hahahaha, Morocco’s comment was priceless. I think I will add it to my collection of great quotes!!!
I don’t have a whole lot of time to write my perspective and I’m sorry, I’m trucking along at warp speed at the moment with never ending to-do’s: I’m sure you ALL know how that goes sometimes!!!
Kela- I’d say to let your son lead the way and set his own pace. Go ahead and salt the oats if he needs a gentle nudge- one cannot grow and learn if they aren’t stretched a little beyond their comfort zone. You know your son better than anyone else and you will be able to tell how much is too much.
Hope all are well and had a wonderful holiday season (whew it’s over for another 300 days or so!!!). Take care:)
~Danielle
January 9, 2009 at 7:42 pm
blendingin
Hey Danielle!!!
I like the way you phrased that; “one cannot grow and learn if they aren’t stretched a little beyond their comfort zone.” Many of you are right and I think I will take heed to what you are saying. I’ll continue to encourage their relationship and work with my ex until he (I mean we) get it right. And, I’ll gradually transition our son into spending prolonged visits (a week on and a week off, and so on) with his dad. Please keep your fingers crossed that it works. I’m actually pretty sure that my ex wants this (a better relationship with our son), but just doesn’t have a clue how to go about doing it. We’ll all work together until we get this thing right.
Morocco, I’ll continue to salt the oats!
Always a pleasure,
*Kela*
January 12, 2009 at 12:13 am
familyblend
I love that quote too…..I’ll continue to salt the oats as well…!!! You’ll read more about this in my next post.