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Hi BFSO Readers!
Just wanted to let you know that we’re settling in at our new virtual home! Come on over, take a look around and tell us what you think. Our new address is http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com. I’m hoping that you’ll still be able to reach us via this address, but I’m not certain that you’ll be able to. So, don’t forget to take note of our new address. Oh, and for all of my favorite bloggers who have us listed as one of their favorites, please change our address in your blogroll to http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com! It’s http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com – it’s still us, still insightful information, just a different look. We’ll see you there!
I just wanted to let you know that BFSO will have a new virtual address soon! Our new home will be located at http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com, but you will still be able to access it from the current address. Get ready for a more visually appealing site with insightful content to match. We’re so excited to show you around!
BFSO is consulting the Advisory Board once again. This time we need to help a reader figure out what she should do. Below is her scenario and my response. We know the best advice comes from those who are living or have lived it. Please respond with open minds and sincere hearts.
I’m a Mom and my ex-husband (in which we’re both remarried) have 50/50 custody. However, we live in different towns and my kids go to school in his hometown.
My problem is that my exes new wife is my children’s primary caregiver. She is currently housesitting for her mother, in which her and my children are staying there, but my ex husband is staying at their house. This is strange to me because my exes wife’s mothers home is in the same town as my exes home. My ex said that he’s getting a lot of work done while they’re gone.
I work from home and want my kids to live with me and go to school in my home town. My ex will not give them up. he says that their home is there and that their school is there. Although I agree that stability in the same school is important, my kids aren’t being taken care of by him. They’re being taken care of by their stepmom. (who is very nice by the way).
Should I take this to court since obviously my ex isn’t the one primarily taking care of them and I have the circumstances and great desire to have them with me?
What’s your thought?
Hi Jakki! Thanks so much for stopping by.
I am sorry that you’re in this position. It’s tough when you’re really trying to make decisions based on what’s best for your children. I am sure that your decision to allow your children to remain in your ex’s hometown was based on just that [doing what's best for them]. However, being cared for, primarily, whenever possible, by both of their biological parents is equally important. My questions to you would be: 1) How many days of the week do you get to see them as you stated that you share custody? 2) How many times a week does your ex actually have them since his wife is caring for them outside of their home? 3) Is there a reason why your children live with your ex in the first place?
All of those questions would definitely influence whether or not I would take my ex to court. But, just from the information you’ve provided above, if my children weren’t being primarily cared for by me or my ex, then something would definitely have to change. While I’m sure that your ex’s wife is a great person (after all, she’s caring for your children), I don’t think it’s fair to you, to her or to your children to have her primarily care for them; especially when neither you, nor your husband share a residence with them.
Here are a couple of options to consider:
1. Take your ex to court for physical custody as it’s almost impossible to have joint physical custody when you both reside in different hometowns. I’m not sure how old your children are, but they will adjust to a new school. If one is a senior in high school, then it might be best to allow him to finish out the year in his current school. Other than that, kids move all of the time, and they adjust.
2. You mentioned that you worked from home, so how possible would it be for you to move to the town where your children reside? This way, they could live with you, stay in their school, but still have unlimited access to their father.
I hope I’ve helped in some way, Jakki. I’ll repost this scenario so that readers will have a chance to respond as well.
Grace and Peace,
BFSO readers, I need your opinion. I have been opining this subject for a while now. Actually, it is eating away at me because I have always tried really hard to not let what an ex does or doesn’t do or something he says or doesn’t say to me bother me. My 19 year old son, L’s, father lives in California. We were married for 5 years. During that time, as I have written before, he was very physically abusive to me in front of my two older boys. My oldest son was not his biological child.
Last May, when my son graduated high school, my ex and I got into a huge argument, over the phone over his car insurance payment. The only thing I ask him to do is pay his car insurance $72.00 a month and that has only been since he was 17. So, the first 17 years, he never paid a dime of support or helped me in anyway. He didn’t work when we were married. Anyway, at the time of our argument, he said to me “Diane, our son is 19. I don’t have to have anything else to do with you. I don’t have to talk to you, I can talk to L from now on.” That really made me think. How do you say that to the mother of your child? If it weren’t for me, he wouldn’t have his only son, his namesake.
Well, he’s right. He doesn’t. But, that really hurt me. I raised this boy on my own, got the crap beat out of me by this man, and now he just writes me off because our son is 19. I think what bothers me more is that my son WANTS a relationship with him. For some reason, I feel a little bit betrayed by my son. I was the one struggling, making $15,000 a year, eating oatmeal at night so the boys could eat what little meat I could afford to buy. I was the one crying at night wondering how I was gonna pay the daycare that next week, buy groceries and have enough money to last me to the next paycheck.
I never asked for child support from him, not a dime. We divorced when my son was 4. I was so afraid of him that I didn’t want him to have any reason to come around us. The court ordered supervised visitation, with no overnights and that he seek batterers treatment counseling, etc. The court did order child support, but I stipulated that he didn’t have to pay it and I moved away. My question is….why would my son want a relationship with him when he has done NOTHING for him, ever? Needless to say, from the time my son was 8 through now, 19, my son has seen him a total of 4 times. Now that he is 19, my ex tries to have a father-son relationship with him, calls him on his cell, talks about the Lakers; which is both of their favorite team. My son acts like they are the best of friends and it makes me almost physically sick because he has no idea the pain this man has caused me. Just the raising of this man’s voice still scares me to this day. My son doesn’t see that pain. My son doesn’t understand the things his dad took away from me during those years of abuse. He took everything from me. My self-esteem, my self-worth, my pride and he placed fear in my heart. Why does he want to have anything to do with him? I know I am being selfish. My son deserves a relationship with his father….but he is a horrible father. I have forgiven my ex, but I haven’t forgotten and I guess, I didn’t expect my son to forget either.
It bothers the heck out of me. HELP!!!!!
For years the images of second wives have always wavered from one horrible image to another. If not the gold-digging young tenderoni that the man just wants as a trophy wife; it’s the much younger secretary that the man had an affair with. The woman that the ex-wife claims stole her husband, children and family. Or worst, the second wife is simply viewed as second choice and is perceived as always living in the shadow of his one true love and mother of his children. Perhaps this is the case with some second marriages, but these images shouldn’t be the only ones that we think of when we ponder second marriages. For many men, their second wives are hardly second best, but the true loves of their lives.
My Real Life Love Story
My wonderful husband often tells me that I am his one true love. He says that he didn’t truly know what love was until he experienced it with me. He calls me one of God’s most perfect creations – I love that man!! At any rate, our love definitely doesn’t mirror that of those tarnished images mentioned above.
We met in high school. I was 14 and he was 15. He played basketball with my brother and some other boys from my neighborhood (he didn’t live in my neighborhood) on occasion. I also saw him everyday in school (between periods) and we would always exchange a friendly ‘hi’ and keep going. He undoubtedly possesed the sweetest, most gentle spirit that you’d ever meet. I immediately felt connected when in his presence and always knew that we would be [connected] in some way. I just didn’t know how and really didn’t give it much thought; it was just something that I keenly felt. We didn’t date in high school, but remained friends. We lost touch, however, for many years after that. I saw him again after college at a local pancake house. I was having breakfast with my mom, cousin and son and he, with his friend. He walked over to me and immediately, that same high school feeling returned. And, he was seemingly the same sweet, gentle individual that I knew long ago. We played catch up for a few minutes and then he walked back to his table. Although I didn’t see a ring and he didn’t mention it, I heard that he was married so that was it – so I thought. As he was getting ready to leave he came back over to our table. He said that he had a son who looked to be about my son’s age, and he would love to get them together sometime. I thought that would be a fabulous idea so we exchanged phone numbers. After playing phone tag for a few weeks, we finally got together, but without the boys! On our first date, he revealed to me that he had been separated for over 2 years and was going through a divorce. Anyway, we literally saw each other almost everyday after our first date, and it felt like we had never been apart. Our boys got along great! They are only 3 months apart and soon became best friends. To this day, he is still the same sweet, gentle, loving man that I remembered in high school, and after 8 years, it only gets stronger. Our love is not one that was obtained by default; it was by design, God’s design. And, everything that we shared with our past significant others only prepared us to receive and appreciate the true love that we currently share. It’s funny because although I always felt that we’d be connected in some way, even back in high school, I never dreamed that I was passing my true love in those hallways.
I know that there are other second marriage love stories out there. We just rarely hear about them. I want to hear yours. Leave a comment or send me an email telling me about your second marriage love story. In February, BFSO will choose the winning story to post and the winner will receive a gift for sharing.