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Traveling and chauffeuring back and forth between homes, complicated visitation schedules and combining blended family traditions can make it darn near impossible to focus on the true meaning of Christmas in the blended family. In addition to the ‘traditional’ stresses of the holiday season, blended families have to deal with the stress of ex-spouses, multiple sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins and children who have to bounce back and forth like ping pong balls usually during Christmas Eve and Christmas day. In my own family most of our time is spent just figuring out and arguing (with my husband’s ex-wife) about the logistics than it is actually enjoying the holiday with each other.
In an ideal world, Christmas in the blended family would consist of bringing the entire family together, on one accord, just for one day. Ex-spouses, grandparents, children, aunts, uncles would embrace each other and our children would see all of their parents together, not just getting along, but celebrating an important holiday together. Unfortunately, our world is far from perfect, but in some blended families the above-mentioned might be an optimal solution.
In my case, holidays are very complicated, to say the least. My son’s bio-dad is often times working, out of the country, and his wife, son and our son are left behind. As a result, I don’t mind including his wife and son in our plans. For example, I called to invite them to spend Thanksgiving with us, this year. She also makes every effort to include me in certain activities as well. She threw a big Halloween party and not only invited my son, but me as well. It works for us because there is no tension between us. There are no unresolved feelings. There is no emotional baggage that spills over into our family. On the other side of my blended family (my husband’s ex-wife, her current husband and stepson), however, this would never work. Whenever we’re all in one room the tension is so oppressive that the kids leave debating how much we hate each other, and this is when we’re all on our best behavior. As such, I realize that each family has to do what works for them, keeping in mind that whatever solution you come up with shouldn’t negatively affect the children.
The holiday season should be the one time of the year when children shouldn’t have to feel as if they have to divide their loyalties, and parents, like any other day of the year, should work especially hard to make their children feel at ease during this time of the year. Additionally, parents should avoid dealing with their own emotional issues concerning the holiday. Children will use how the parents handle the blended family stress of the holiday as an example of how they should handle it. Remember, that holiday traditions are often tied into people’s core identities. If your children do have to divide their time, be sure to communicate with them, in advance, what time and for how long, they will be with each parent. Avoid arguing about it and use basic courtesy and thoughtfulness, especially during this time of year. Each parent should keep in mind that the other parent is also going to want their child with them and their family during this special time. As such, both parties should be flexible to make certain that the child has ample time to spend with both families. Arrange a pick up and drop off time that isn’t too far out of the way for either party so that the majority of the time isn’t spent just traveling back and forth.
Gift Giving
Presents used to produce an enormous amount of tension between my husband and I. Christmas became a competition of which one of our children would receive more or making sure they received the exact same amount of gifts on Christmas day. As you can imagine, even without us directly telling them, this is what Christmas was about for our children as well. We both had good intentions as we didn’t want either child to feel bad because they didn’t get as much as the other. But, we handled it the wrong way, and were beginning to create some very selfish, spoiled kids in the process. After many discussions we realized that something had to change. The true meaning of Christmas, for us, wasn’t about how many presents our children got, and we didn’t want them to think of Christmas in this way either. We decided that we would just communicate with our children. The truth was that since my ex is usually out of the country during Christmas he sends all of his gifts to my house so that our son can open them up. As such, he doesn’t go over there to open up gifts. But, my stepson does go somewhere else to open up his gifts. In actuality, they probably get around the same amount of gifts, but my son opens them up in one locations, and my stepson opens his up in two locations. As a result, my husband would always try to match what my son got from his biological dad. It was way too stressful!! So one day we just sat the kids down and explained the situation, and they both said that they were aware of the situation (meaning they knew that K went somewhere else to open up gifts and M opened the majority of his gifts at our house). It was so silly how we were acting because we thought the kids would feel a certain way, yet they were much more aware of their reality than we gave them credit for.
Many people also question whether or not it’s appropriate to get the ex-spouses gifts. I say, why not? It’s the one time of year that difference should be put aside in order to focus on the true meaning of the holiday – giving. I always remember my ex and his family at Christmas time. And one year, I even bought my husband’s ex-wife a gift. If you’ve read this blog, you know that was a huge step for me. Often times this is an issue for women rather than men. For me, it boils down to an issue of insecurity. Why should it bother me that we get a gift for my husband’s ex-wife or my ex’s son, etc.? Isn’t that what Christmas is supposed to be about? Having said that, I will have to admit that it is difficult to do when you’re in constant conflict with an ex-spouse, be it yours or your current spouse’s.
All in all, the holidays are about spending time together, enjoying good food, creating memorable traditions for the family, and giving back. Things like competitive gift giving, complicated visitation schedules and arguments with ex-spouses shouldn’t interfere with the meaning behind the holiday. If divorced parents would use a little thoughtfulness and common courtesy and remarried couples would communicate with their children and each other, it could help minimize the stress and maximize the enjoyment of the holiday.
blendingin
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December 2, 2008 at 2:05 am
Anesidora
This will be our 1st Christmas completely apart. Last Christmas we spent together even though we were separated (but not yet divorced). This year, however, my ex does have a new “family” to celebrate with. The plan is just to follow the state guidelines…I get the kids from Christmas Eve until noon on Christmas day, which is fine with me because I’m more of a Christmas breakfast person than dinner. I’m optimistic about this working out; however I KNOW we are not at the point where everything could occur at the same location simultaneously. It would ruin Christmas completely. *sigh* One day it’ll get better. I hope.
December 2, 2008 at 2:05 pm
blendingin
The first Christmas apart is always the toughest; not only for the children, but the parents as well. It’s the one time of year that we envision everything being festive, joyous and “perfect.” However, the reality is that it is far from perfect and often times can be more stressful than festive and joyous. Blended families have to let go of their preconceived notions surrounding the holiday and begin to play up their new reality. Both of our children enjoy getting what they call “two Christmases.” We have created new holiday rituals in our home that they look forward to, however, they love to experience different rituals in their other parents’ homes as well. I say this because getting to a point where everything could occur at the same location simultaneously may never be an option for your family and that’s okay, too. Better doesn’t necessarily mean EVERYONE being together at the same time. As long as you and your ex-spouse work together to make sure that your children aren’t stressed during the holiday season; whatever solution you come up with can work for your family. Remain optimistic, focus on what’s best for the kids and it’ll work out.
December 2, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Danielle
I totally understand how difficult it can be for children in blended families to come to terms with not celebrating holidays with their entire family at the same time. For awhile I think I took for granted the fact that it had been that way for as long as my stepson can remember and didn’t realize it affected his as well until something he said this past Thanksgiving.
The weekend before, we all went to my in-law’s to celebrate early with them because they were going to spend Thanksgiving with my brother and sister-in-law’s family cross country. While we were all at the table eating, my stepson turned to me and said:
“I thought for Thanksgiving you’re supposed to have dinner with your family.”
The conversation that followed went as such:
Me: “Well yeah, you ARE having dinner with your family.”
SS: “But my mommy and her family aren’t here.”
It was like a shot through the heart, not only for myself but you could see it on the faces of everyone that heard it. So I said:
Me: “Ohh, I know. But me, your dad, your little brother, grandma, grandpa, great-grandma and grandpa, Uncle ‘J’ and the girls, we’re all here and we’re your family too…”
SS: “I know…”
Poor kid looked so bummed and it was obvious that kind of reasoning wasn’t going to satisfy him, so I had to think outside the box in how to explain why his ‘other family’ wasn’t there with us without saying something like “this is your time with us, not your mom” and in turn making him feel worse.
Me: “I know, but think of it this way. You have one of the biggest families I have ever seen.” “You have everyone that is here right now, PLUS there’s your mom…” and I started naming people on his mother’s side, his father’s side, and even threw in some people from my side that he knows so that he understands that they are a part of his family now as well.
Me: “That sure is a big family, right? A LOT of people”
SS: (Slapping his hand to his forehead) “Oh, brother. Yes it is!”
Me: “Now could you imagine trying to fit all those people in one house to have Thanksgiving dinner together?” “We wouldn’t even be able to wiggle our fingers, much less eat!”
SS: (Now laughing at the thought of it) “We’d need a house as big as 2 houses!!”
Me: “Bigger”
SS: “Or 3 or 4 or 5 houses!!!”
Me: “And could you imagine how long it would take to cook all that food?” “We’d have to start making Thanksgiving dinner on Halloween for it all to be ready in time!!”
SS: Ahhhhh (now throwing his head back and pretending that he’s going to fall off his chair)
Me: “You see, that’s why we have to have different Thanksgivings with different family members, at different times.” “There’s just not enough room and not enough food.Make sense?”
SS: “Yup” And with that, he was satisfied.
Wow, in thinking about it now, quite honestly, having all that family in the same place at the same time would require an Olympic-sized stadium to contain them and even a meal made to feed an army wouldn’t leave enough for seconds. Forget going to the store to buy the turkey, we’d have to buy the farm!!! It’s a scary thought even WITHOUT adding to the mix the awkwardness, painful history, conflicting viewpoints, etc. you would have sitting in-laws, ex’s, and your own family down at the same table. I’m about to have a panic attack from merely envisioning this whole hypothetical scenario. OK. Just inhale…exhale…it isn’t real…whew!!! I’m better now. It’s stressful enough getting through these things on a group by group basis. To anyone who has taken on and made it out of that kind of situation in one piece (without the help of a few Valium and a box of wine), you should be commended and I salute you for your bravery as well as your complete and utter insanity!!!!
All in all, I could not have been more pleased with how that conversation with my stepson went. I’m glad that I didn’t have to lie to him or hurt his feelings to explain why it is what it is. It made more sense to me to have him look at it in terms of practicality as opposed to the vast unlikelihood of him celebrating holidays with his mother’s family and father’s family together as one big happy unit. I can only hope that in doing so, it helped prevent him from viewing it as having a ‘broken family’ and instead embracing that he now has a ‘bigger family.’
Anywho, just thought I would share that experience with you all in lieu of the blended family holiday season. Take care, have fun, stay warm (it is 26 degrees here, brrrrrrr) and Happy Holidays!!!!!
December 2, 2008 at 7:52 pm
blendingin
Danielle,
That was an absolutely perfect way of explaining to a young child why his ENTIRE family can’t share the holidays together!! You’re right, it does make more sense to explain it in terms of practicality when dealing with a child that young. They just don’t understand anything else. It’s a good way of encouraging him to embrace, thereby accepting, his new reality without hurting his feelings or making him feel like his family is broken. It’s great that you encouraged him to focus on the positives and communicated with him about the situation. You’d be surprised at how simple communication, even with young children, will satisfy them and minimize confusion.
Happy Holidays!!!
December 2, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Danielle
Blendingin,
Thank you, I’m glad to agree. I think it was an excellent example of how important it is to think before you react. Like I said, his words did sting and I know that the thought that immediately followed in my mind was the same for everyone else that heard him say it. It was “here we all are having fun, enjoying our time together, eating great food, being thankful, and all he cares about is his mom not being here.” The thought that immediately followed that one in my mind was “oh my god, what are you thinking?!?! He’s just a child!!! He doesn’t know, he’s just confused. He’s feeling hurt and here I am worrying about how what he so innocently said was hurting my feelings!!!” I felt like an asshole. That’s when I feverishly sorted out in my head a response that I thought would make him feel better without bending the truth to spare his feelings or going into the full blown semantics of being a child of divorced parents.
What I’ve learned, at least for me, is that one of the most difficult parts of being a good parent (step or bio) is making that conscious effort not to react when your children upset you and to really stop and think about your ‘audience’ first so you can tailor your responses in an effective, appropriate, and sensitive manner. It is one thing to react to adults. It certainly doesn’t make it right but we do have thicker skins, we can choose whether or not to let words and actions get to us, we can just walk away, but children have no concept of that. We are their caregivers, they look to us for love, support, kindness, guidance, and encouragement. If you react to a child and say or do things you later wish you hadn’t, it’s often too late as the damage has been done and your child may never forget or forgive it.
Wow, sorry, I was totally ranting there but I speak from experience. When I reflect on how I handle tough situations with my step-son, I compare it to how my parent’s would have handled it and I tend to get upset. They are both step-parents and I can say from similar experiences with them it would have likely payed out that they would have said what it was that I had thought and followed it up with “if you can’t appreciate the time you have with us, then get down from the table and you can finish eating when we are all through.” I know, terrible right? But that’s the blended family I was raised in. It saddens me to the core, not because it happened to me- I learned from my parents what NOT to do and hopefully my children will be happy, well adjusted, and full of love. What makes me sad is that there are other step-children out there who have to endure what I have, and not all of those children will be as fortunate as I have been to realize it is wrong and make the conscious effort every minute of every day to break the cycle and ensure that their children/step-children have better upbringings. What saddens me most of all are those bio-parents out there, who KNOW that ‘bad’ step-parents like that exist and their child could very well have winded up with one of them, that say the ‘good’ step-parents have no business having an active role in their child’s life. Makes no sense to me. I’m not even speaking in terms of my own situation here (as I now feel Amy does appreciate my role in her son’s life). I have read through so many posts and comments on so many blogs by seemingly ‘good’ step-parents and it appears to be a reoccurring theme. It’s just sad and disappointing for everyone all around, bios, steps, and most of all- the children.
Well, apparently I had a lot on my mind and I’m sorry if I killed the happy holiday spirit with this post:( I didn’t mean to, I’m just a little frustrated at the moment. Take care all and hopefully someone will hop on here and write something a little more uplifting to counteract my depressing comment:)
December 2, 2008 at 11:49 pm
blendingin
Danielle,
I understand how you feel. The thought that immediately followed your stepson’s comment would’ve been my immediate thought, too, when I first entered into this world of blended familyness (I know that’s not a word…lol). However, like you, I was always careful not to react too soon. You’re right, sometimes it’s impossible to take back things that you’ve already said to a child. I certainly know and have always known better. Having said that, your initial thought was perfectly natural. By nature, we are selfish creatures and have a way of making everything about us. This is the point that I have been trying to make. It’s okay to feel a certain way about the negative or what we perceive as negative, things that happen in our blended families. Things like; after all I’ve done as a stepparent, he or she still isn’t happy without mom; or I can’t believe he refers to his stepmom as mom; I’m his mother. It’s okay to feel that way, but you must think before you act on those emotions!
I’m sorry that you went through what you went through as a child. What a horrible way to react to a child! However, there is another extreme that some parents go to after hearing such comments. Some parents might have said, “Oh he’s upset, so we must get everyone together in the same room!” That isn’t good either as you must never allow a child’s emotions to guide you. In some cases, it might be a horrible experience [for the child] to get everyone together, too prematurely. In most cases, wounds have to heal first, issues have to be resolved and hatchets must be buried before that can happen, if it ever happens. Going to either extreme isn’t good for the child. The way you handled it was super! I’m glad that you turned that negative [your childhood experience] into a positive and now know what NOT to do with your stepson.
I’m still confused as to why there are so many bio-parents, who know that ‘bad’ step-parents exist, but still choose conflict over co-operation. I’m learning, however, that it has more to do with their personal issues than it does with the step-parent or the child.
Thanks for your comments and honesty, Danielle. It is always so greatly appreciated.
December 3, 2008 at 2:08 am
Danielle
Blendingin,
I totally agree with the:
Some parents might have said, “Oh he’s upset, so we must get everyone together in the same room!” That isn’t good either as you must never allow a child’s emotions to guide you.
Though the idea of it sounds like the right thing to do to show the child everyone loves each other and all is hunky dory, but more often than not that’s all it would wind up being -a show- and the child would see right through it and wind up more confused than they were to begin with. You are again right in that first there must be healing, resolution, and buried hatchets. Could you imagine if it were to happen any other way?
Let me paint you a picture of the scenario I envisioned earlier.
Here my step-son is confused about having separate holidays. The way I see it, the confusion lies in the fact that he goes and celebrates a holiday with one family and sees that they are all happy and enjoying each others company and goes to celebrate the same holiday with his ‘other’ family to see that they too are all happy and enjoying each others company. The logical conclusion for him to draw from that would be if they are all happy and enjoying each others company separately, then it should be the same if they were all together. So why then, don’t we have holidays as one big family? If we were to jump the gun and rush everyone to indulge the logic of a child in pursuit of an ‘ideal’ situation while there are still negative, unresolved emotions and histories being worn on everyone’s sleeve, (and like I said, children can sense those things, no matter how well you try and hide it) then he will learn all too quickly the ‘real’ reason why his families live their lives separately. He will be faced with a room full of people he is used to seeing happy and relaxed that now look ambivalent and uncomfortable. The usual easy flowing conversations have turned into carefully chosen words and awkward silences. Eyes contact is avoided instead of engaged. Everyone is walking on eggshells and the tension can only be cut with a diamond plated saw blade. Now, imagine how that would make my step-son feel. That sweet boy is a people pleaser by nature. Knowing that, just think if he were to be faced with this situation as I have described it- 2 sides of the family he loves and at times feels torn between who would have no reason to get together like that other than because they love him and think it would make him happy, and they’re all looking miserable in comparison to how he is used to seeing them separately. I can’t even fathom what that would do to him. I imagine he would blame himself for us all acting so out of character. He’s too young to understand that it has nothing to do with him. That it is because of a history he knows little to nothing about and all the underlying emotions and pain that still lingers and holds up walls. I would hate for him to see that, to feel guilty or bad because of that. It wouldn’t be fair to dampen his innocence and naivety in the name of supposed unity. That’s why I agree that until the adults are genuinely OK- with themselves and with each another- doing such things as merging holiday and birthday celebrations will likely hinder a child’s ability to accept and cope with their blended family more than it will help.
Thanks a bunch for listening, it’s been a pleasure:)
December 3, 2008 at 2:30 am
blendingin
Totally agree as I experienced this in my blended family. My husband and his ex-wife started off (right after the divorce) still pretending like they were married because they thought it made my step-son feel better. We initially started trying to celebrate birthdays together, etc. in the name of supposed unity, and it was a complete disaster. Like I’ve said, repeatedly, our children (my son would attend, too) often left debating how much my husband and his ex-wife hated each other. There was literally no conversation. We were all walking on eggshells. Eyes were rolling, arms were folded and it was totally obvious that we did not want to be there. We all tried really hard to put up a good front, but the tension was obvious. As you can imagine, this was not good for my stepson! And yes, he did blame himself for his parents not being together. Kids would much rather envision their parents happy and apart, than unhappy and together. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that in some families, joint activities could never happen. But, I am saying that if done prematurely, you could end up with a worse situation than what you started with.
Thanks for sharing, Danielle! Your stepson is lucky to have you
December 3, 2008 at 8:03 pm
familyblend
I have to say that reading the posts above, I am so grateful and thankful for being able to have a great relationship with my husband’s ex-wife and her current husband. Last Thanksgiving, we did have the “Joint Thanksgiving” at their house and it was WONDERFUL. My step-daughter had all of her family together under one roof and it was a joint effort between both families. It worked out really well. It was very satisfying for my step-daughter but it was also very satisfying for us as a whole. We did not do that this year, or any year prior to that, but will probably do it again in the future, maybe at my house one day. Our usual routine is that my step-daughter goes with her mom to visit her grandmother’s house and have dinner around noon time or so and then comes back to our house for the entire evening. We try really hard to equally split our holiday time.
Danielle, I totally feel like you handled the question your step-son had perfectly well. I think that during the holiday seasons, children of divorce often feel more worried about the other parent’s feelings a bit more. My step-daughter is a very sensitive child and although we seem to handle splitting holidays, birthdays, etc. very well, she still worries about her mom when she is not with her. Example, last Wednesday night she was spending the night with us (now we only live 4 minutes or so drive apart from eachother so it’s convenient) and I had a co-worker bring me a couple of boxes of dairy items that I didn’t have room for and I wanted to give to her mom so we boxed them up and headed over to the house. Well, no one was home and my step-daughter began to get worried because she thought they should have been home. The weather wasn’t so good and she had that look in her eyes. I said to her:
Me: You have that worried look in your eyes. It’s okay, they are probably out at Walmart shopping (because her little sister’s birthday was that weekend coming) and left their cell phones in the car.
S: Yeah, but they should be home, it’s getting late. I am worried (tears welling up).
Me: Wanna go look for them?
S: Yes, please.
So, we drive to her step-grandmother’s house and to Walmart and drive the parking lot for about a half hour.
S: Oh, I forgot my mom said she might be going to a dance recital for my cousin at the high school.
Me: Oh, I bet they can’t hear their phones or get no reception in the gym. Let’s go home.
S. Ok. Thank you for driving me around. I love you.
Me. I love you too!!!
This melted my heart. She loves her mom and dad so much and that, to me, is precious being a mother myself. She also loves and appreciates her step-parents and she worries about them too.
When we are in a situation where we are questioned about one or the other parent, all we can do is re-assure our children and step-children that everyone loves them and wants to be with them all the time but that we have to give one another equal time as well.
Happy Holidays!!
Diane