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I’ve talked a lot about the importance of maintaining healthy post-divorce relationships; not only with your children, but with each other. I firmly believe that children DESERVE parents who get along or at least make every effort to. As a result, I’ve been getting tons of emails from readers who claim to know the benefit of peacefully coexisting in order to co-parent effectively, but “the how” is what they lack the knowledge in. My answer is simple – JUST DO IT! You don’t have to be best friends or even friends; you just have to be civil for the sake of your children. Put your anger [of the past] away and concentrate on doing what’s best for your children instead of doing whatever gives you temporary satisfaction. Some of those same readers seem to be confused about the meaning of the word civil. Civil is not “mean mugging” each other during drop off and pick up. It’s not subtly bad-mouthing each other. And, it’s not communicating via morse code just to avoid actually speaking to each other. Get over yourself and be selfless enough to actually be civil, especially in front of your children. Be polite and learn to bite your tongue. Say hello, how are you and use the basic manners that you learned at age 5. These are things that you do every single day. Do you curse your boss out every time he or she makes you angry? What about the waitress at your favorite restaurant? Do you fly off the handle if she messes up your order? Probably not. So, I know that you can control your urge to slap your ex upside the head, too. It really is that simple. It might not be easy to do, but it’s that simple.
Before I get those comments saying “my ex is bipolar” or “my ex is an alcoholic”; let me assure you that I am not talking about those situations. I know it is difficult, sometimes impossible, to maintain a healthy relationship with these types of individuals. However, it is possible to disengage yourself from the battle. You don’t have to fight even if your ex is fighting with you.
Rule #1: Pick your battles! Life is just too short to stew over the past or fight about every little thing.
My brother taught me that sometimes it’s best to just say nothing at all. He used to burn me up when I would get so angry with him, and he would act like I wasn’t even there. But, eventually I would just move on because it’s hard to fight with someone that isn’t fighting back. In the end, you just end up looking stupid and no one wants to look stupid. Sometimes you just have to see it as that other person’s issue and move on! Let go of the past hurt for it’s the only way that you can move on. If you often find yourself consumed by anger, then you need to get some help! It’s never too late to do so. Only “fight” when you have to and don’t actually fight. Instead just communicate your concerns to your ex-spouse; which brings me to rule #2.
Rule #2: Voice your concerns to your ex-spouse!
Don’t automatically be ready to “go off.” Instead, just talk to him or her about your concerns. For example, I recently had an issue with my ex, and I must admit that I was ready to “go off.” I even contacted a lawyer; preparing to take his butt right back to court (yes, even I slip up at times). It’s completely natural to be overwhelmed with anger when someone pisses you off, especially your ex. After all, you’re divorced for a reason, right? But, I caught myself before bringing the matter to him in such a volatile and attacking way. I first led with a positive by telling him that I truly appreciate him being so open and willing to communicate with me about issues regarding our son. Then, I expressed my concern. He, of course, countered my concern, but I did the same to his. We had a disagreement and it’s probably going to happen a thousand times over because that’s what people do sometimes – disagree. It’s okay, so expect it. It’s how you handle those disagreements that matter. In the end, my ex and I talked it out and we worked it out; without fighting.
Rule #3: Practice basic manners.
Your children don’t need parents who can’t even say hi to each other when in the same room. Remember, although your involvement with your ex-spouse in regards to setting up visitation and child support will diminish when your children are grown; it doesn’t mean that you two will never encounter each other again. You’ll be at your child’s wedding. You’ll be there for the birth of your grandchildren. You’ll be there at college graduations. You will be there, together, with and for your child, so you better practice on being polite now. You don’t want to ruin those moments and memories [with unnecessary tension] for your child because you can’t be civil towards each other. So, the next time you see your ex-spouse forget about the tension and focus on just being polite. You don’t have to invite them to dinner or anything; or even invite him or her in your house. Just take baby steps and do the following:
- Say hello the next time you see your ex-spouse
- Ask how he or she is doing
- Greet him or her with a smile
- Tell him or her to have fun with your children
- Treat him or her as you would anybody else that you are trying to be polite to
Rule #4: Don’t bad-mouth your ex-spouse’s new spouse.
If you have a concern about your ex-spouse’s new spouse, don’t bad-mouth her to your ex. Remember, that she is your ex’s new spouse. As such, it will be in his nature to defend her. Therefore, you will be starting the conversation off on the wrong foot. Additionally, when your children acquire new relatives, via marriage or otherwise, it’s important to acknowledge and respect these relationships instead of dismissing them. Acknowledge, respect and encourage your children’s relationships with their step or half siblings, step-grandparents, step-aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. Remember, that society brainwashes us to believe that family can only consist of blood lines and a two biological parent household, but the dynamics of family are changing and have been changing for quite some time. Your children’s step-family is just as much family as their biological family and should be treated as such. As a matter of fact, children can only benefit from having a large loving family comprised of step, half and biological, than a two parent household without love.
Conclusion
Learning to act like adult parents is not as hard as it may initially feel. Once again, you have to revert back to the days of old when you first learned basic manners and being polite. Think before you speak or act. Let go of that residual anger that does nothing for you or your children. As a matter of fact, it only prevents you from moving forward and improving your life as well as the lives of your children. You may have every right to be angry [in some cases], but it serves no purpose to hang on to that hurt. Hanging on to hurt only hurts your children. Let it go so that you can create a healthy family unit for your children. After all, with over half of marriages ending in divorce the best thing we can do for our children is to make sure that they are raised in healthy families, regardless of their parents’ marital status.
blendingin
familyblend
motherof3girls
11 comments
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October 21, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Anesidora
This is something I honestly still struggle with, and if anything it gets worse instead of better. My Ex is a master of hurtful snide comments, particularly that question my character or parenting. I know its sour grapes and I should just let it roll off, but I find myself holding onto these comments until I can later come back when he does something hypocritical. I constantly feel the need to defend myself against his verbal assaults. So do I just roll over and take it?? BTW, I don’t do these things in front of the kids, but the tension between us at games and other kids’ events is just thick and oppressive. I’m just tired of feeling like I have to just take what he dishes out all the time.
October 21, 2008 at 5:53 pm
blendingin
My question to you is; “what do you gain from snapping back?” If anything, it just fuels the fire. You need to realize that what he’s trying to do is get a reaction out of you. Don’t allow him to do so. There is no need to defend yourself when he attacks your character or parenting – SO WHAT! Why does his opinion of either matter to you so much? Ask yourself this questions the next time he fires insults your way. My advice is to treat him like a 3 year old or a mentally retarded adult. If either of them called you a booger girl or peanut head, would you be so quick to fire back or save your ammunition to use it against them later? I know it is a struggle, believe me, I know, but in your situation, somebody has to be the bigger person for the sake of your children. Maybe if you pave the way for more positive behavior, your ex might start to either change or realize that he is no longer getting a rise out of you and just stop his childlike behavior altogether.
My other advice would be to try talking to him. Most people would be surprised at how using a different approach can breed different results. When you bring a concern to him, don’t automatically be on the defensive, ready to argue. I know I always thought that I was being as nice as can be when bringing concerns to my ex. But, my husband checked me and told me that I was sounding really condescending; which automatically put him on the defensive. If you don’t feel as if you can speak with him one on one, please sit down with a therapist (preferably a blended family therapist) to help you work through your issues. Last but not least, if he doesn’t respond to either (he might not be receptive to it, right away and this is normal), send him subtle hints like the post that I wrote on repairing relationships with ex-spouses or what parental post-divorce conflict does to the children. Often times it helps coming from someone else and not you.
I hope I’ve helped in some way. Let me know if you try those things, and if so, what the results are.
Kela
October 21, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Stacy
I completely agree! I treat my daughter’s dad as a business acquaintance. I try to be very supportive in his life, if he shares that with me, wishing him well.
I was once told that if they’re trying to play a game with you, don’t serve back. I won’t participate in any games with either my daughter’s dad or my husband’s ex-wife. If either of them try something I shut them down by telling them that I refuse to participate.
For me, it’s all a state of mind. Don’t allow it to rile you up. I know that some ex’s really try to stir things up. I do vent, I have a special place for that, but I feel it’s very important to not blow up at the ex’s. Some of them delight in knowing that they’ve gotten to you…don’t let them have the satisfaction.
I think the best way to handle them is showing no emotion when having to see or talk with them. If you have to, treat them like they’re a stranger. I have no emotions toward my baby daddy, so it’s actually easy for me now.
Another great post!
October 21, 2008 at 9:02 pm
familyblend
Amen! I do my best now to do the same with my ex. If he calls me and is talking mess, I just ignore the statement and move on to the next subject. It really is a state-of-mind and a mind over matter situation. How you speak to him will change how he reacts and he will think twice next time.
October 22, 2008 at 7:52 pm
familyblend
It’s never too late to make peace with our former spouses, especially when children are involved. Being able to co-parent effectively is so important. In order to effectively co-parent, I believe, two parents have to have some sort of common civility. With determination and good intentions, you can overcome the anger, grief, and sadness of losing a marriage and eventually — believe it or not — achieve friendship — IF that is essentially what you would like to have. I believe this is exactly what has happened with my husband and his ex-wife (Motherof3girls). They are able to effectively co-parent my step-daughter because they have put the pain, anger, grief and sadness of losing their marriage behind them and both have been able to move on to effectively parent their daughter, and in turn, have allowed their new spouses to be a part of that co-parenting process. Being friends with your ex, however, is a decision that you have to make yourself, but when children are involved, the two of you being able to find a way to be on a co-parenting level and being kind and considerate to one another makes life for the children a lot easier. Cultivating that relationship takes determination and there is no “rule-book” so to speak, but for those of us who have managed to obtain friendly, caring, healthy, blended post-divorce families, it has been very rewarding.
During the pain of divorce, usually you feel obligated to be pitted against your former spouse or his new wife or husband, etc. – this is a normal feeling and often times, to me, the legal process is often very good at making two parents become enemies, but just as it takes two people to make a marriage, it takes two to break the marriage dynamic as well.
What we have to remember during this process is (a) we as individuals can change ourselves and the outcome of our lives and (b) if we as individuals take responsibility for our actions, this will sub-conscientiously allow our behaviors to change. Once our behaviors change, usually our relationships will follow and change too.
Be blessed.
February 27, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Jim1313
My x attacks me and my other kids all the time.She says she is going to get married this year. I have decided to read her e mails once a month. I use to talk to my 5 year old daughter twice a week and got shot at on the way in and out. I cut it down to once a week. Then she cut me off from time to time and increased the Attacks. I have been divorced 24 months.
How do I repair this enough to talk to my daughter.???
When I e mail I get answers but nothing about my daughter. My x is a doctor of medicine now 3000 miles away. What to do ??? Jim
February 28, 2009 at 1:13 am
blendingin
Hi Jim,
First off, thanks for taking the time to read and respond; we really appreciate it. Please visit our new virtual home; same information, just a different look at http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com.
Now on to your situation…I would need more information to give accurate advice but based on what you’ve described what I will say is this; the only person’s actions you can control are your own. It’s easier to just give in to the attacks by attacking back; be it verbally or physically. Don’t do that. Don’t fight back unless you have to! The most important piece of advice I can give to blended families or divorced couples is to choose your battles. You just can’t fight over every little thing and it takes 2 people to engage in the battle. From this point on, you set the precedence for how things are going to operate. Try using some of the suggestions from this article as a road map for doing so. It’s definitely NOT GOING TO BE EASY! Trust me, I know this from experience. But, somebody has to be the bigger person for your daughter’s sake. Have you tried to call your ex to make it perfectly clear that you are not interested in fighting anymore? Many times our egos prevent us from doing things like this because we think it’s giving in. You may even be deserving of an apology, first, from her. But remember, it’s not about who’s right; it’s about doing what’s right for your daughter.
From a legal standpoint, do you have a child support and visitation court order? This gives you the legal right to see and speak with your daughter and the order will specify when and where. Usually when distance is a factor, the court will order a certain number of consecutive weeks during the summer and on holidays with your daughter and you will be allowed to speak with her once per day, instead of once per week. This will protect your legal right to your daughter; however, you must protect her emotionally by holding yourself accountable for the things that you do to contribute to the dysfunction.
I hope I’ve helped in some way. Please feel free to visit our new home at http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com. You can also send me an email to kela@blendedfamilysoapopera.com to speak with me further regarding this issue.
Good luck, Jim!
*Kela*
March 4, 2009 at 7:46 am
Sherri
Hello,
I have two challenges that I could use some help with….
I have been divorced since May ‘08. My ex is presently in Mexico getting remarried. They called tonight to leave a message for our 7 year old daughter. After her message, their phone line did not cut off and the machine taped several minutes of them bad mouthing me and making comparative and hurtful statements. (These were all perspectives on me, our relationship and the break-up that I had never heard before.) When we split, my ex had been more compassionate and insightful about our relationship and seemed to view it within a holistic context in which we each shared responsibility in both its success and “failure”. We are already relating poorly and now I really feel like I cannot trust him (them). How can we move out of this when our perspectives are so radically different?
The second challenge is in our child custody arrangement (and relates to the first challenge as well). My ex is an ER doc. He argued that he cannot commit to a regular schedule as his shifts are inconsistent. He also has never felt strongly about maintaining a relationship with our daughter- feeling like he couldn’t do it because of his work- and, that the adoption was my idea and he didn’t really want to do it. He couldn’t quite admit this in court so he did agree to average 10 days a month with her. When he is with her, he seems to enjoy his time and she enjoys being with him. What’s happened is that he gets looser and looser with following through. (Doesn’t let us know his schedule until the last minute, doesn’t follow through with his agreements, schedules trips without coordinating as agreed…) When confronted, he rebels. His words and actions don’t match. Out of frustration, I said I was ready to go back to court to establish a consistent schedule so that we would all know what to expect and could plan our lives. He reacted by stating he would argue for physical custody (which I now have) and would stop paying child support. So, its all or nothing. How can I work with this while maintaining some boundaries for our daughter and myself?
BTW, these entanglements are similar to ones I had hoped to divorce myself from in the marriage. I really thought that the divorce decree would provide more structure and I would have more autonomy. Ironically, I still feel controlled.
March 5, 2009 at 12:07 am
blendingin
Hi Sherri,
Thanks for visiting BFSO! Please feel free to visit our new home from now on at http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com.
First off, let me assure you that I can identify with how you feel as I have been where you are. I’m sorry that you are experiencing the same pain.
I can understand you being a little, well maybe even a lot, upset by the comments you overheard your ex and his new wife saying. It’s always hurtful to hear someone saying things that aren’t so nice about us. That being said, I’m an avid believer in truly accepting your reality. The reality is that even though you may not have heard these things before doesn’t mean that your ex never felt this way. It only means that he was ‘kind’ enough not to say it to your face. If you’re really honest with yourself, I’m certain that you’ve said some not so nice things about him, too. After all, you said that you two were already relating poorly, so don’t be too quick to blame this one phone call (that you weren’t even supposed to hear) on your inability to trust him at this point. That phone call has nothing to do with the child and if you have any chance at co-parenting effectively, you must learn to separate the two. I tell all of my divorced parents to be conscious of “I” versus “our child” statements. If all of the statements out of your mouth are…”I was hurt when you…,” “I didn’t like it when you…,” “It makes me sad when you…,” then how you’re feeling probably has more to do with you than with your child. Your perspective on how your relationship ended bears no relevance in how you move forward to raise your daughter. One has nothing to do with the other and you must adopt this mentality if you want a chance in co-parenting effectively in the future.
That being said, this next issue is definitely about your daughter. Children definitely benefit from consistent meaningful contact with both parents. I can certainly understand, however, his work schedule, as an ER doctor generally isn’t a 9 to 5 profession. What was your husband’s work schedule like before the divorce? Did he consistently spend quality time with your daughter when you were married? If not, it isn’t realistic to think that he would change when you divorce. I’m certainly not condoning his behavior. I’m simply trying to get you to accept your reality. When we truly accept our reality we know how to move forward. But if you have a false sense of reality, your expectations will likely far exceed what they should.
I was in your position at one point, too. My ex was and honestly, still is (from a physical and emotional standpoint), very inconsistent. He is an overseas basketball player and he too blames his actions on his work schedule. I used to fight, but now I just don’t anymore. The court order, fighting, or trying to civilly communicate hasn’t changed him and never will. I realized that he has to make that decision all on his own and hope that our son is here to receive him when and if that happens.
Sherri, there really is no easy answer to setting boundaries for you and your daughter. Yes, the divorce decree is SUPPOSED to provide more structure but that only happens when both parents mutually agree to put their child’s interest above their own. It simply doesn’t work, if you both aren’t on the same page. And, there is ALWAYS compromise involved when trying to get on the same page. You can’t expect him to meet you where you are and he can’t expect the same of you. You BOTH are going to have to make some concessions in order for you to communicate effectively enough to co-parent! Also, be advised that it hasn’t even been a year and it’s going to take some time to move past the hurt and to a peaceful existence. Often times, when we are stewing over hurt feelings we don’t focus on what’s right because we don’t want to. It’s a natural human reaction to being hurt and pissed off. Allow you both to have some time to move past it instead of assuming that you are automatically going to be the loving happy divorced parents who co-parent their child perfectly. Trust me, it takes time to get to that point, if you even arrive at that point at all. It’s all about accepting your reality.
So, my suggestion would be to try to COMMUNICATE with instead of CONFRONTING your ex-husband. When you confront someone it automatically puts them on the defensive. Remember, you’re not interested in being right or attacking him. Your main goal is to communicate, with an intent to understand, so that you can begin to co-parent your daughter in a manner that is most beneficial to her. You set the tone for how things are to going operate from this point on.
I hope I’ve helped, Sherri. Please feel free to shoot me an email at kela@blendedfamilysoapopera.com, or respond to this message, if you need clarification on any of my points.
Warmly,
*Kela*
http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com
March 10, 2009 at 8:02 pm
barb
just a little while ago, my partner and I have been seperated, he was forced out of our home with nothing but what he had on his back! it has now been 4 1/2 months since he has seen his children! there has been domestic violence charges pressed! but court is still going! he has not once gave me hate threats, he is seeing councilling, taking parenting courses, and many other things to get us back! it only happened with in last year, where he became physically and emotionally abusive! it was not everyday, nor every month! it happened though! not only to me but to my daughter! i just need some help figuring out what to do! he is taking full responsibility! he is doing everything to get us back! my little girl has been a reck since he has left! he and her believe it or not, where really close, and spent alot of time together! me as the working parent in the house, i guess have not built that relationship with her! we are working on it now!
but my quesiton being, is it wrong for me to want him back? and my daughter? and if we do except him back, if he is better, is that wrong?
thanks hugs*
March 11, 2009 at 2:35 pm
blendingin
Hi Barb!
First and foremost, thanks so much for visiting this blog; we really appreciate it. That said, be advised that although we regularly check this blog for comments, we don’t post here any longer. Our new home is http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com where you’ll find these same posts and many more!
Although I have never been abused, I have had friends or spoken to more than a few women who have, and what I know is this – abusers will always claim never to abuse again, but most ALWAYS do! Some will even go as far as signing themselves up for counseling or anger management classes. I’m not saying that abusers can’t be rehabilitated because it is possible for them to do so however; it does take time in order for this to happen. My advice to you is to be very cautious when making the decision to receive your partner back into your home. Be advised that it is a slow healing process and don’t expect things to be wonderful just because he took a few parenting classes. Gradually implement him back into your life until you KNOW FOR SURE that he is better. Start out with a nice family date in a neutral area first. Then gradually move to in-house visits, with someone else present with you (a friend, mom, sister…) and so on. But know that after 4 months, he has not totally changed even though he may be really trying. Moving past this type of ordeal takes a lot longer than 4 months so just be aware of that when making your decision. Don’t allow your emotions to influence your decision making. Most women make what they feel is a rational decision to return to their abuser at least 7 to 10 times before either leaving or being killed. They make these decisions based on emotions; telling themselves that it will never happen again; my child(ren) need their father; or he’s just stressed. You must realize that until he’s completely rehabilitated it will happen again; your child(ren) don’t need to live in a house where their father hits their mother; and stress is no reason to physically abuse someone. Make your decision based on logic, not emotion! Educate yourself on the statistics of abuse and KNOW that you can make it without your abuser.
I hope I’ve helped. Please feel free to send me a personal email to kela@blendedfamilysoapopera.com, if I can be of further assistance.
Warmly,
*Kela*
http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com