I was watching The Gameplan (a movie about a football player and his 8 year old daughter) this morning. Joe Kingman (the football player) met his daughter (Peyton) for the first time when she was 8 years old.  Peyton’s mom, who died in a car accident, never told Joe about his daughter. The movie is based on Joe meeting, connecting and learning how to be a dad for the first time in his life. Well, towards the end of the movie, Peyton decides that she wants to go back home with her aunt, whom her mother appointed guardianship to. She felt that she might be a distraction for Joe during his football season.  Joe became devastated, and was actually more distracted by her absence than her presence.  At one point, he asked one of his team mates who was also a dad, to tell him what to do, and the advice he gave is the advice I give to my divorced dads.

“Make sure she knows you love her and that nothing is ever going to change that. And when she’s ready, she’ll come to you, ” he said.

I often have this conversation with my husband because his son needs to hear it most. However, my husband fears countering what his mother tells him will cause confusion for his son and raise questions. His mom is often on the other end influencing him, no matter how subtle, to think otherwise. At any rate, I encourage my husband to tell his son everyday how much he loves him and how much he wants him to be with us, so that K isn’t just hearing one side of the story. Now, don’t get me wrong, I would never suggest that a father tear down his ex-wife or baby’s mama in order to accomplish this task, but there is nothing wrong with continuously telling your child how much you love and want him with you. 

And so, divorced dads, I am encouraging you to do the same. I know (for those of you who actually care) that it gets hard at times to keep up the fight to remain an active parent in your child’s life. As I’ve stated before, it’s physically, emotionally and financially draining most of the time, and most importantly, just not fair. However you must remember that one day your ex’s influence over your child won’t be as great. She won’t be able to run interference for long! When that time comes you want your child to have always known how much daddy loves him.  It’s amazing how many fathers actually don’t know what or how to do this so below are a list of tips.

1. Call your child everyday, especially if you don’t see him/her very often! When he/she is sick of you calling, then you know you’re doing a good job keeping in touch.
2. When you do talk to your child make sure you continuously tell him/her how much you love and miss him/her.
3. Make sure that your communication revolves around him/her. Meaning, ask questions about school, teachers, friends, extra curricular activities…
4. If your child is older, make sure you open the floor for his/her questions and be honest with your answers.
5. Send Christmas presenst, birthday presents or just thinking of you presents to constantly remind him/her of your love no matter how near or far you are. These presents don’t have to be huge – just a little something to remind him/her that daddy is still here.
6. Create a presence of your child in your home even if you don’t see him/her very often. Make sure that there are pictures of him/her hanging up with the rest of the family photos. Make sure that there is a place for him/her when they finally do return. If you can’t afford or don’t have enough bedrooms to maintain one in his/her absence, then create a drawer or closet space that is just for him/her and his/her things. Be sure to keep your child’s favorite foods and snacks in your home. Simply put, your child should feel like he or she is a part of the family when he or she is with you. He or she shouldn’t feel like a visitor!

You should do all of this knowing that due to the nature of the situation, your child might not be receptive to you, at first, however, by continuing the above actions, you increase your chances of it getting better in the long run. As stated above, your ex will not be able to run interference forever. At some point, your child will be older, and you will be able to maintain a relationship with him/her that is separate from his/her mother.