Blended Family Co-Parenting Tips

1.        Sit down with your husband to discuss a list of house rules and consequences. Make sure you agree that the rules will apply to all children involved, whether they’re biological or step children.

2.        Sit down with the children to make sure they understand these rules as well as the consequences.

3.        Don’t try to get the ex-wife to agree with you. She should not be involved in determining the rules of your household.

4.        Make sure you let your husband know how important it is that you have his support. If you agree on a set of house rules and consequences you BOTH need to present a unified front and follow through. If not, you are going to continually look like the bad guy.

5.        Don’t take a backseat and allow your stepchildren to run your household by referring all matters to your husband. You are an adult and shouldn’t have to wait until your husband gets home to enforce consequences.

6.        Realize that you cannot please everyone in the family so don’t ever try to take on that responsibility!

 

Challenging Role of Stepmom

The stepmother generally has the most challenging role within the blended family. We are expected to bear most of the responsibility of running the household, yet receive less respect. Ex-wives must know that we are the ones who take care of their children when they are in our home. They so graciously allow us to feed them; take care of them when they are sick; and tuck them in at bed time. Yet, we can’t discipline them or follow our own house rules because we must follow theirs.

Often times it’s a no win situation for stepmothers. At one point in my own blended family when I saw things were getting way to tense between the ex-wife and I; I tried to take a backseat, thereby lessening the interaction with my stepson. But, when I did so, I was seen as cold and insensitive. So, then I tried to take an active role and be the good mom that I am to my biological son. It didn’t feel natural taking a backseat (where my stepson was concerned) as a parent. But, when I did that, I was seen by the ex-wife as trying to replace her. Like I said, you can’t win so why try? I finally had to realize that I just couldn’t be the one to please and/or fix everyone.

Furthermore, some ex-wives are simply not going to change. Some times I believe ex-wives want to think that second wives are horrible people as an excuse to continue bickering. I think it’s easier for them to believe that their ex-husband married an ax murderer because it makes her look like the damsel in distress. So, second wives/stepmothers need to stop trying be the only one that keeps the family together and husbands need to step up and lend more support. SW’s don’t try to create a home that is more pleasing to your stepchildren and/or their mother so that they will accept you. Instead, you and your husband need to decide upon a way to run your household in a manner that you both see as fit and the children and ex-wife are the one’s that need to adjust, not the other way around. From experience, I know that this is a difficult challenge because not only will you and the ex-wife have different views about parenting, but you and your husband may have different views as well. However, you must always, always, always realize that you and your husband are the individuals who took vows before God. Therefore it is most important that you two agree! Everyone in the blended family will not agree on everything, especially parenting, but you must focus on the two people that count and that’s you and your husband. Neither of you need to spend time trying to get the ex-wife to see it your way because this takes time away from you and your husband achieving consensus.

My hat goes off to second wives and stepmothers because they certainly aren’t given enough credit; face many battles with all members of the blended family; are blamed for everything and bear most of the responsibility of running the household. But, there is hope! Be sure to check out my blended family co-parenting tips post that should help bring some order to your blended family.

Now Let’s Talk About My Ex

All of my posts have mainly been about one side of my dysfunctional blended family, and that’s the side that includes my husband, his ex-wife, and their son.  Because I never want to insinuate that all my blended family issues are unilateral in nature, I feel it’s only fair to discuss the other side of my blended family. Although we don’t have nearly as many problems with my ex as we do with my husband’s, there’s still quite a bit to talk about.

So, now let’s talk about my ex, who is my son’s biological father. The reason I emphasize that he is my son’s biological father is because when I do refer to my son’s father most know that I am referring to the man that has raised him for the past 7 of his 11 years, and that’s my husband.

At any rate, my ex is a professional basketball player (overseas) who has been physically absent from my son’s life since he was in the womb.  We were together for nearly 6 years, including the first few years of my son’s life, but we parted ways when my son was 3 years old. Even though we were technically together for the first few years of our son’s life, my son never saw him as daddy because we lived in separate countries for 10 months out of the year. When I met my current husband is when my son finally started to experience life with a full-time father, and my ex was livid. He didn’t want another man to be involved with his son in a way that he couldn’t be out of fear that he might be replaced, and he surely was. My husband became actively involved in my son’s life. He coached him in basketball, baseball and soccer; attended school plays; had father/son time which is still referred to as bachelor night; and overall, was a prominent male figure in his life. After about 2 years my son started referring to my husband as dad. At that point, my ex’s ego had gotten the best of him and he petitioned the court claiming that I was keeping my son away from him and teaching him to call another man dad. However, he neglected to reveal to the Judge that his only involvement, since birth, in my son’s life was/is 8 weeks out of every year. Furthermore, he also didn’t tell the Judge that he lied to the court about how much money he was making so that he didn’t have to pay a fair amount of child support. Additionally, he had never attended a soccer, basketball, baseball game, school play, teacher’s conference, nor had he ever taken him to the doctor, attended a birthday party or any other normal activity that real parents participate in. So, my attorney and I decided that we would just let him hang himself as we knew the Judge would ask such questions, and she did.

The Judge was appauled by the fact that my ex had wasted all of our time bringing such a matter to court knowing that he was not nor had he ever been a father to my son. She told him that it was bad enough that he could not be physically present in his son’s life, but he had enough nerve to try to cheat him financially, and try to enforce ridiculous rules on my life (meaning, he couldn’t call any other man dad, but him). The Judge bascially laughed after throwing the book at him and calling him a poor excuse for a man.  As a result, my ex is partly financially responsible for my son’s daily care, but he is still physically absent from his life. Although he still struggles with another man raising his son, after 7 years he is learning to accept it. We don’t have nearly as many heated unproductive discussions about it now as we did 7 years ago.

But, now we are entering the next phase of our blended family which I will call unanswered questions. I always told my ex to be careful of the decisions that he made regarding our son because he wasn’t always going to be a baby. I explained to him that when he got older he was going to have questions regarding his absence from his life. Well, at age 11, we have now arrived at that point. My son wants to know why everyone and everything else has always been more important than him. And although he loves his stepmom (who we’ll talk about in another post) and his little half brother, he is very angry with and disappointed in his biological father. So, my husband and I constantly reassure him that he has a mother and a father who adore him and have always been and will always be there for him. I used to try and tell him that his biological father still loves him even though he is not present, but that doesn’t work anymore. Additionally, I don’t feel like I should have to make excuses for his behavior. He needs to be telling him the things that my husband and I do. As such, my husband and I only speak for ourselves and reaffirm our love for him.

So here’s a message to all of you father’s out there: Remember that if the choices you make regarding your child turn out to negatively affect him, it’s nobody’s fault but yours. Don’t blame your ex and tell everyone that she’s keeping the child away from you. Instead, take responsibility for your actions, be consistent in your child’s life and communicate with your ex.

Man in the Middle

My husband has often conveyed to me that for the first three years of our relationship he felt like he was in the middle of a Tyson and Holyfield fight.  In one corner was me, his second wife, and in the other was his ex-wife.  He worked hard to strike a peaceful balance between us, but unfortunately his tactics did more harm than good.  Those tactics included working overtime to reassure his son that he’d always be there for him.  He also worked, seemingly even harder, to reassure his ex-wife that he’d always be there for their son.  I think he felt if they were reassured, then they’d be more willing to accept me.  But, in the midst of all this reassuring, he forgot to reassure me that he’d always be there for me.  More importantly, he took for granted that I would always be there, no matter what.

 

 

As I stated in my Second Wives article, men are often caught in the middle for three reasons; let’s go over them in detail below.

 

1. Guilt

 

Remember that he loves his child and a good father will usually struggle with what he thinks he should be doing to make him/her happy and you happy simultaneously.  For the record fellas, I completely understand your plight.  However, you must understand that you need to do two things when it comes to making your child happy and healthy. I call it the two “R’s.”   You must always be realistic and remain a parent.  The worst thing you can do is overcompensate due to the divorce.  If you didn’t give into your child’s every whim when you were married to his/her mother, don’t start now.  Remember, children of divorced parents are seasoned veterans at dividing and conquering. It is imperative that you demand the same positive behavior as before the divorce.  Offering limited control over the child out of guilt of hurting them already can have detrimental effects on their behavior.

 

To break it down even further, let me give you a couple of examples.  It is a Christmas tradition for you, your child, and your ex-wife to spend Christmas Eve exchanging gifts.  Or, you ex-wife and child are out having dinner and your ex-wife calls to ask you to join them, supposedly at the child’s request.  Your response to both or any other similar request that involves you spending time together as a family, should be NO because you are no longer a family.  Yes you will always be his father and mother, but you are no longer a famil,y and continuing family traditions is giving that child a false sense of hope.  Furthermore, it makes it more difficult for him/her to accept someone new once you both remarry.  The moment you divorce you must teach the child that while mom and dad love you just the same as we did before, you are going to have two separate families now.  Reassure the child that you will both be there for him/her, but just not in the way you were before.  Create new family traditions to reinforce this new way of thinking. Don’t continue with the old ones.  If you do, when you do remarry, and the current wife has a problem with you continuing these traditions with your ex-wife (this is inevitable), then you have to change and when you do, you’ve just taught the child that things changed when she came along.  This is why children feel as if it is the evil stepmother that changes everything in their lives.

 

 

Having said that, try to keep certain things the same so not turn the child’s world completely around.  If it’s possible to keep the child in the same school and home as well as continue any extra curricular activities, it’s in the best interest of the child to do so.  Both parents should also encourage relationships with the child’s extended family on either side, but not participate in, nor facilitate these relationships, unless they are your parents.

 

1. You don’t have to keep the ex-wife happy

 

Most men are naïve and think it is their responsibility to keep the ex-wife happy in order to keep their child happy and therefore, remain in the child’s life.  This is the second reason men feel as if they are caught in the middle. I have three words for you gentlemen, “forsaken all others.”  Do you remember those words?  This is what you vowed to do once you married your second wife.  That vow includes ex-wives and even children.  Your only obligation is to remain an active parent in your child’s life.  You are no longer obligated to your ex-wife, no matter how she tries to convince you otherwise.  A man who pays attention to his second wife is not treating his first wife and mother of his child like crap.  He is divorced from his first wife, and as long as he fulfils the obligations of the divorce decree, he is not morally obligated to come to his ex-wife’s rescue whenever she calls.  His only obligation is to treat his former spouse with civility.

 

You cannot parent your child effectively if both of the child’s homes are in turmoil.  Furthermore, you cannot be the one to make sure that both homes are in order.  At this point, your ex-wife is responsible for her own happiness, and if she’s too distressed or bitter to raise the child, then you need to legally request that she send him over to you. What you don’t need to do is keep her happy to remain in the child’s life.  If she is making it difficult for you to remain in the child’s life because of her own issues, consult a family law attorney or mediator immediately to resolve the issue.

 

There should never be a battle between your current and your ex-wife because you current wife is always number one.  Traditional therapists and/or psychologists will probably chop my head off for saying this, but it’s true. And, if their theory worked (always reassure the child that they are number one in your life), then we wouldn’t have as many problems with ex-wives, ex-lives and “evil stepmothers” as we do now.  If you take care of your marriage first, then you will be better parents. If you are better parents, then you have a happy healthy child, no matter where your parents live. The truth of the matter is the child will not always be number one in your life, and if you are teaching your child this, you are doing more harm than good.  Once you remarry and/or have other children, that number one status has to be shared with the other special people in your life. Teaching your child any differently is conveying three things:

1. The world revolves around him/her no matter what.

2. Anyone who gets in the way will ruin it for them.

3. Change is bad.

 

This will make the child more reluctant to accept anyone else.  As I stated earlier, reassure the child that you will always be dad; you will always be there for him/her; and that he/she will always be special to you.  However, you must both prepare and encourage him/her (even if you aren’t remarried yet) to make room for someone else.  This will convey to the child that although things have changed, change is good as long as you are willing to embrace it.

 

1. I don’t know what’s going on

 

The final reason most men are caught in the middle is because they will claim they haven’t a clue as to what is going on.  For the record, I don’t buy this excuse at all.  Get backbones men and take control of your family.  Your vows with your second wife should be no different than the vows with your first.  If you knew what to do then, then you should know what to do now.  All your second wife wants is for you to respect your marriage.  Below are some tips to help keep your marriage and your child healthy and happy.

 

1. Any decision involving your family should be made with your current wife.  If that decision will affect your child, then you should inform your ex-wife, but not the other way around.
2. Don’t base all of your decisions around the child if he isn’t primarily in your home.  For example, if you have children with your second wife or your second wife has children, don’t go to a movie or enjoy other activities with them only during visitation with your child.  This sends the message that life only goes on when you’re together, and that’s the wrong message.
3. Always, always, always communicate honestly with your child.  Never tell the child what he/she wants to hear.  Tell your child the truth so that there are no surprises in the end.
4. Treat your second wife like a wife.  Just because you married her second doesn’t mean she should have to come second to your ex-wife and your baggage.
5. Always be sensitive to your current wife’s feelings.
6. Always be sensitive to your child’s feelings, and open to communicate about them whenever necessary.
7. Don’t alienate your current wife from issues with your child.  It takes a whole village to raise a child.  Make your current wife a part of that village.
8. Demand the same positive behavior from your child just as you did prior to the divorce.
9. Remain a parent and never reverse the roles out of guilt.
10. Set boundaries when it comes to your ex-wife.  She should never be allowed to wreak havoc on your family just because she’s bitter and unhappy.

 

So gentlemen, it is unfortunate that you are the “man in the middle” but please know that you put yourself there.  There should be no middle, just you on one end and your current wife on the other.  Your second marriage should be no different than your first.  You took vows before God to honor, love, respect and protect your marriage. As long as you do that everything else will more easily follow.

 

My Sad Husband

I just got off of the phone with my husband, and he seemed really sad. As a matter of fact, he has seemed pretty sad for the last week or so. I wish there was something that I could do as I feel partly responsible for his sadness. My mere presence is causing and has caused his crazy ex-wife to act a fool over the past 7 years, and as in most baby mama cases, one of her first reactions is “you can’t see your child.”

We haven’t seen K since early January. Although I can not disclose specific details about what happened, I will try to give you some idea. You see, K did something that was very wrong ! Even though I don’t want this action to ever happen again, I was more concerned than upset. So, I suggested that my husband call his ex-wife to inform her about it. Especially since he spends most of his time with her (we only see him about once per month). I wanted her to watch out for certain types of behavior. My husband told me that he didn’t think it was a good idea. I told him that she is still his mother, and that there are certain things that she should be informed about no matter what she’s done in the past. I truly thought it was in K’s best interest to clue her in. What in the hell was I thinking? I expected her to react as any concerned parent would, but instead guess where we ended up – that’s right, court. She took my husband to court stating that I had devised this master plan to label K as a bad kid and get him out of our house. She went on to say that she felt like our environment was perilous to K. 

Now, let me explain why this too is sooooo ridiculous! Number one, I am just now recovering after being sick for an entire year. My last house had mold in it, and it wreaked havoc on my system. I passed out about 12 times in an hour, lost a bunch of weight and even lost my memory at one point. At one point I didn’t even remember who K was! I was still very sick in January. So as you can imagine, the last thing I was thinking about is a master plan to label K as a bad kid to get him out of the house. Number two, I am the one who takes good care of K while he’s in our care. We actually have a really good relationship when he’s here. As a matter of fact, she has conceded to the fact that I was trying to replace her due to our good relationship. This is why she decided that she wanted to see him more, thereby, lessening the number of visits with my husband. So how can I be trying to replace her as a mother, but be trying to get rid of him simultaneously???

At any rate, at the end of the day my husband hasn’t seen his son in 5 months, and he is extremely uspet about it. Every time she gets upset this is the card that she deals. The question is – what can I do to make the man that I love with all of my heart happy? I have truly struggled with this. If I leave, then she will be happy, and my husband will be able to see his son as much as he wants. If I just give in to her ridiculous antics, then not only will I be unhappy, but it’s also not in the best interest of my son. My heart is telling me to continue to focus on my marriage and my family because I’m going to be the bad guy (in her eyes) no matter what I do. I keep telling myself that we have made it this far, we’re happy with each other, we truly love each other, we have a solid marriage, and it will get better. But, it’s been 7 years – do I really believe that???